Blogging With Bump

So it's been awhile...

2012-02-05T17:28:00.000-08:00

2011 was a crazy year from beginning to end. Little Boss was born; Angel started preschool; life generally changed, as it has a tendency to do. The end of the year only got even more insane. We knew there was the possibility of an upcoming work related move, and then it happened much more quickly than we expected. So I disappeared from the blogosphere for awhile.

Things are still hectic and stressful and busy and exhausting and wonderful. This is life. I can't wait for life to happen or think that I'll enjoy things when... If I do that, I'll miss it. This is life. This is my kids' childhood. I already can't believe how big they're all getting. Princess can read. Angel is starting to learn letters and numbers. Little Boss is not only starting to use words, but starting to put them together.

This is my life. I spend most of it rushed off my feet and sleep deprived and underpaid, but you know what? I look at my family, and life is good.

The Snip

2011-10-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

We'd always said that when we were done having kids, my husband would go in for the snip. I'm not sure who's idea it was first or when it first came up. It just kind of made sense between us. After Little Boss was born, hubby started looking up more information about vasectomies, and we decided for sure.

It took me awhile to accept that we're done. We always said that we wanted at least three kids, but no more than five. We have three beautiful healthy children, and we remember the one we don't have with us. Being told by medical professionals and experts that we shouldn't have more kids (due to my extensive scar tissue, high risk of another ectopic pregnancy, etc.) and deciding it on our own is different though. After a lot of discussion and thought and meditation and prayer and time with my family, I feel good about it. We're done. Our family is complete.

So he went in for the snip. He was remarkably calm about the whole thing and seemed to take it pretty well in stride. Now we just have to wait for the tests to make sure that it took.

It is a little bittersweet, and it's weird to think that we can't have kids anymore. I'll never take another pregnancy test or scrutinize the screen at the ultrasound to find out what we're having or hold our newborn baby with their special newborn baby smell. On the other hand, I'm really excited not to have to worry about contraception anymore, and to know. We're finished having kids.

In the time that we've been married, I've spent most of it either pregnant or breastfeeding. It will be a change, but a good one. Our family's moving on.

Five Month Old Update

2011-10-03T12:48:00.000-07:00

Little Boss's favorite cuddly toy. His favorite toys are all Eeyore (this one, a little Eeyore rattle, and a noisy one).

Little Boss is five months old! He's growing like crazy and getting huge. Seriously. He wears a mix of 6-9 and even 9-12 month old clothes. He's not fat, he's just big. He's so long that he doesn't fit the same way when I'm holding him anymore. When I breastfeed he kicks his legs around by my side, and when he snuggles against my chest now he stretches out everywhere rather than resting in a tiny bundle against me.

He's adorable.

It's been awhile...

2011-09-16T13:07:00.000-07:00

I realized that it's been awhile since I blogged on here. I didn't really plan on giving it up or avoiding it, but as the days, then weeks, then months went by, it was just easier I guess. There's so much on here, so much honesty in this blog and so many of my emotions, that sometimes it's hard to confront it. I feel like I need time, solitude, and quiet in order to do this blog justice, and I don't often have any of those things.

It's been over a year since my baby died. I know there was no way to save them, but I still remember the feeling of walking into the operating room, walking in knowing that my tiny baby's heart was beating and they were alive and growing. And I walked in and laid down on the table, and when I woke up there was just emptiness, emptiness around me and within me, and no baby anymore. I know that, being an ectopic pregnancy, there was no way to help my baby. They could never have made it long enough to have a chance at surviving, and if I hadn't have gone in for the surgery, I would have died too. I know that. Sometimes knowing and feeling aren't the closest friends, though. It still hurts. It still aches.

Even though I'll always notice that absence, I'm surrounded my so much life. My oldest, Princess, is now in first grade. She's learning to read and forming social circles and using slang and growing up so quickly. Angel is a preschooler and is so vibrant. She's so alive and excited about life that it changes the way the I view the world, just from being near her. Little Boss is growing by the minute. He's four months old and I already look at him and wonder what happened to my newborn. He can roll himself over with ease now (and does constantly, even when strapped in a chair, in true Houdini type style). He's not strong enough yet, but he desperately wants to crawl and has just learned to lift up his bottom and stomach. He smiles and laughs and clings onto my finger with his little hands. He opens his mouth when you ask for a kiss and slobbers all over your cheek.

I am amazed by life.

Just checking

2011-08-19T05:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a period for well over a year...coming up on a year and a half even. I was pregnant, experienced tragedy through an ectopic pregnancy, got pregnant again before restarting my period, and then had a beautiful baby boy. In the past my cycle has always been really regular and started back up really quickly (sometimes too quickly). Now my baby's several months old. I feel pretty much back to normal, even if some of my clothes are tighter than I'd like. But (and this is a big but) I still haven't started my period again.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not enjoying the break from it and everything. As the weeks and then months went by, though, it started to make me wonder. I didn't think I was, but just wanted to be sure.

My fantastic other half bought a pregnancy test on the way home from work one day. He gave it to me and said something to the effect of, "If it's positive, I'll be surprised and a little scared, but really happy. If it's negative, I'll be relieved to know and happy. I bought this (holding up a bottle of non-alcoholic sparkly drink) so we can celebrate either way."

I did the pee on the stick routine, waited for an impossibly long three minutes, and got the results.

I'm not pregnant.

A Year Later

2011-08-17T06:09:00.000-07:00

It's been a year now. It's been a whole year since losing my baby in an ectopic pregnancy.

In some ways, it still seems so raw a wound. I can think about him unexpectedly and get swaddled in grief for the baby that I didn't get to hold. I can't help but wonder "what if" at times. He'd be walking by now. A year later and it's still hard.

At the same time, the past year has brought more joy than I ever could have anticipated. I'm holding my beautiful healthy baby boy as I type, and now my family feels complete. I've found peace and a certain level of acceptance if not understanding.

I have learned so much from each of my four children, including the one who's gone. One of the things that he taught me is hope.

Breastfeeding

2011-07-19T03:44:00.000-07:00

There seem to be debates all over the place about breast versus bottle feeding. I've seen mothers who proclaim "breast if best" as if it is a battle cry rather than a way to care for your children. The new thing seems to be the term "full term" breastfeeding, which--as far as I've been exposed to it--seems to imply that you're cheating your child if you don't breastfeed them for two whole years.

Likewise there are those who don't want to be judged for not breastfeeding. Some people medically can't (like an epileptic friend of mine who is not allowed to breastfeed her baby because of her medications), some people have other reasons for not breastfeeding. The two groups seem to clash a lot on parenting forums, etc.

I don't want to make this all political or start a fight. I just feel like a should post about feeding my baby.

Little Boss is still completely breastfed. Both of his big sisters were exclusively breastfed until six months (Angel did start getting some bottles of expressed milk at around five months). I plan on exclusively breastfeeding Little Boss until he's six months and can start a few solids. After that, we'll see what happens.

I believe in baby-led weaning, meaning that he'll slowly stop breastfeeding as he loses interest in it. Princess completely stopped breastfeeding around her first birthday. She went down to just a feed before bed at night, and the nights she fed became more and more infrequent until she stopped. Angel stopped when she was seven months. Once she started having bottles and sippy cups and real food, she lost interest in breastfeeding.

For me, breastfeeding has always been a very natural thing. I fed my babies as soon as possible after they were born. With Little Boss, I fed him in the private recovery room as soon after the section as I could trust myself to hold him. He rooted around for a few minutes, bobbing his head around looking for milk. His little newborn head looked so tiny next to my huge milk-filled breast. There's no denying that, health wise, breastfeeding really is best for both of us. It's also best psychologically for me. It gives me a quiet time to cuddle him, to be forced to sit still and just enjoy holding my baby. I find breastfeeding easy, and definitely less hassle than sterilizing bottles, making formula, etc.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-07-08T03:00:00.000-07:00

I know new parents are supposed to be sleep deprived zombies. People with little babies are supposed to complain about how tired they are and be in a twilight zone of night-time feeds and diaper changes.

The thing is...I'm not.

I can remember being exhausted at times when Princess and Angel were babies. I know that times will come when Little Boss will keep me up all night (we still have teething to look forward to, after all). Right now, though, I'm pretty spoiled. Little Boss is a star sleeper.

He's two months old now. For awhile now we've had a pretty good routine where he'd go to sleep between 9 and 10. At midnight (about the time I've been going to sleep) I give him a feed. Then he sleeps until 5 am. At that point he gets another drink of milk and then goes back to sleep for another couple of hours before waking up for the day.

Last night he dropped the 5:00 feed. My two-month-old slept for seven straight hours through the night. I fed him at 7:00, then he went back to sleep until about 9:00.

I'm the luckiest parent alive right now.

In addition to luck, I'm a firm believer in bedtime routines and cluster feeding before bed.

A Story About Poo

2011-06-22T06:13:00.000-07:00

Sadly this is a story about Poo as in excrement and not Pooh as in the cute bear who likes honey.

Early the other morning the little boss woke up hungry. He normally wakes up for a feed between 5:00 and 5:30, so it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I fed him, and then my husband volunteered to burp and change him. It's turning into a lovely, early morning family moment.

Then he decides to just change him on the bed. So he starts changing him. Midway through changing, Little Boss starts to poo. I mean serious poo. It squirts everywhere. You might think from little tiny baby nappies that this wouldn't make much of a mess. You would be wrong.

Poo ended up on Little Boss and his clothes, all over our bedding (including pillows), all down my husband's arm and side, on my book, on the nursing cushion... Every time we thought that we'd cleaned it all up, we'd find something else with baby poo on it.

Sometimes baby's are just the most adorable thing on the planet. Sometimes they're the most disgusting things on the planet. And sometimes they manage to be both at once.

Just in case you wanted a story about the other type of Pooh, I'll throw that in too.

Princess and Angel both have Winnie the Pooh teddy bears. In fact, I think they have multiple Pooh bears and most of the rest of the Hundred Acre Wood as well. As Little Boss was napping (having worn himself out pooing all over our bedroom), Angel tip-toed up to his bed carrying a small Winnie the Pooh teddy. Very carefully she laid it in bed next to him and then tucked them both in with a baby blanket. She noticed me as she was tip-toeing away again. "I'm sharing my teddy," she said, "I love my brother."

As Winnie the Pooh put it, "Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."

Little Hands

2011-06-15T02:18:00.000-07:00

What is it about little baby hands?

I love looking at my newborn's hands. They are so small, but perfectly formed. He has long fingers-just like his daddy's. As he's still a newborn, he moves his hands around a lot without having real control over them. Sometimes he'll punch himself in the eye and then glare at his hand as if to say "What did you do that for?". To his sister Angel's delight, he wriggles sometimes so that it looks like he's waving at us. The Little Boss also likes to grab onto my clothes when he's breastfeeding.

The one thing that he does have control over is holding hands. He likes to hold hands...only he's so small that it's not really holding hands. It takes his whole hand to hold on to one of my fingers. In fact, when he was first born he gripped on to one of daddy's fingers and held on with surprising strength. He likes to fall asleep in my lap or on my chest clinging on to one of my fingers. I think it makes him feel secure being able to hold on to us.

If you feel like a bad parent, read this to feel better...

2011-06-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

So it's an ordinary afternoon. I'm breastfeeding baby and the girls have been playing a game together. When Angel disappeared from the room for a few minutes, I didn't think anything of it. I just figured she was getting another toy for their elaborate game (which seemed to involved as many different toys spread across the floor as possible). I didn't get worried until she started crying, and even then I didn't think it was anything serious. I could hear her walking back into the room with me, so I didn't even bother getting up at first.

Then she came in holding her eye. "I was putting on make-up," she sobbed, "and it got in my eye and it hurts." I looked at her and realized that she was not just putting on makeup. She had found a bottle of sparkly nail varnish and had used it to try to do her eye make up. That's right. She had painted all around her eyes with nail polish. Glittery pink nail polish, to be precise. I did the obvious thing and started screaming for my other half to come help.

It took two of us, the sink, and a lot of wet wipes to get her eyes (mostly) clean. Let me tell you---nail polish does not come out of eyelashes easily. Also, stupid sparkly nail polish means that even if you manage to get the polish mostly off, your toddler still ends up with glitter all over them (and potentially in their eyes). Since she had painted around her eyes, we couldn't use anything like nail polish remover to try to get it off.

Luckily, thankfully, miraculously she did not actually get any of the nail varnish on her eyeball (as far as we could tell).

Sometimes I feel like I'm really on top of things and a good parent...then inevitably something like this happens. The funny thing is that I am not a yummy mummy. I don't normally wear nail polish. I had just painted my nails for the first time in about six months, and so had pulled out the nail polish from its dusty hiding place in my bedroom. I guess I'm going back to my normal, nail-coloured-nails again from now on.

Moral of the day: toddlers and nail varnish do not mix...or at least they shouldn't.

The Birth!

2011-06-09T04:10:00.000-07:00

I just spent about an hour writing up a lovely blog post with the whole birth story. Then I hit the publish button and the whole thing inexplicably disappeared. So now don't have the time or the inclination to rewrite the whole thing,

I'll just sum up the major points.

It was a planned c-section with a spinal block. It wasn't planned for the doctors to still have to use forceps. (Luckily there was only a small red mark on one side of his head and it faded quickly.)

My husband got to cut the cord. Then they laid our little boy across my chest. He cried and wriggled and gurgled. I got to enjoy skin on skin contact with him. My husband put out a hand to help steady him, and he immediately grabbed on to one of daddy's fingers. He kept holding on until he had to be moved.

The little boss was covered in blood and vernix, and absolutely perfect. After years of waiting, I was thrilled to finally meet our little boy.

Pre-birth/At the Hospital

2011-05-28T04:29:00.000-07:00

After a lot of waiting and intermittent blogging, the big day finally came. I said in my last post that he was born, but didn't really give any details. So here's my birth post. It's a bit belated as I've been enjoying time with my newborn while trying not to neglect the rest of the family.

As it was a booked c--section, we knew when the birth was going to be way in advance. The night before going in to the hospital I took my first batch of medications and started fasting. The morning of the birth I took my next batch before going in. (For planned c-sections they give you things like ant-nausea med's to take in advance. The medications should help you to be more comfortable and also help to avoid complications.)

First thing in the morning we dropped off the girls to be watched for the day for us and then went and checked in to the maternity ward at the hospital. I had to fill in standard hospital admission forms which was entertaining as the nurse had to ask me questions like, "Is there any chance you could be pregnant?" and whether I was wearing a hair piece or dentures. Then we went through the paperwork for the c-section.

My husband and I were shown to a hospital bed in one of the wards to wait while I was prepped for surgery and we waited for our turn in the operating room/theatre. It was all very relaxed, and they took their time talking to us and getting things ready. It was so different from my previous experiences being rushed in for emergency surgery.

Some of the things that took place during this time:

-The anesthesiologist came to discuss the spinal with me and have me sign more consent forms.

-I changed into a very stylish hospital gown. And by very stylish I mean flapping open under the ties and printed in an orange and brown pattern. Weirdly it had labels on it telling you that it was for hospital use only, not to be removed from the hospital, etc. If anyone has other uses for them or wants to steal them I really don't think I want to know about it. Also my husband had to go wash his hands, etc. and change into scrubs (including hat and slippers).

-My blood pressure, temperature, etc. were checked. They also listened to the baby's heartbeat.

-My husband and I played several rounds of backgammon on his phone. I don't remember who won.

-They put tape over my wedding ring and made sure that I wasn't wearing any other jewelry.

Then it was our turn. The nurse led us down to the c-section birth room. I got to walk there.

He's Here!

2011-05-14T05:45:00.000-07:00

I am happy to announce that our little boy finally arrived! The little boss was born recently (I'll do some separate posts about the birth soon). He's healthy and happy, and I'm recovering surprisingly well. To sum up...he's perfect.

I'm sorry that you don't get a peek at his handsome face, but here's a peek at lovely baby hands & feet. I just love his long toes and fingers. Angel keeps picking up his hands & feet making comments like, "He has hands! I'm holding his hand!" and "He has lots of toes!".

Preparing for the Birth

2011-05-10T01:38:00.000-07:00

I had the best plans for being totally prepared in advance for my baby to be born. I was going to have loads of home cooked meals stored in the fridge and freezer, an immaculate house, good hair, etc. In short, everything was going to be perfect and ready before he was born. Obviously this is real life (my real life to be more specific) and not a TV movie, so everything isn't as pristine as I had hoped for.

However, we are ready. I'm ready to meet my little boy.

Knowing that I'm booked in for an elective Cesarean makes preparing for the birth a little different from preparing for a "normal" delivery.

Most pregnancy books/websites/etc. will give you helpful lists of what to pack in your hospital bags. In my experience, all of these are focused on what women need during labor, and they're totally unhelpful if you're having a c-section. I packed two hospital bags: one for me & one for baby. It was actually exciting to pack them together with my husband. Mostly we used common, sense on what to pack, but we did look up a couple of lists to make sure we weren't forgetting anything. (Click here or here for sample hospital bag lists specifically for Cesarean births.) As this is my 3rd section, I knew from experience to pack snacks (for both parents) and to pack normal (preferably black and baggy) not disposable maternity underwear (these tend to hit right on a c-section scar line).

There are some preparations we're being sure to do, like having my husband help me shave (way better than having a stranger dry shave you on a hospital bed). Also trying to eat well (or at least healthy other than the tub of Ben & Jerry's we treated ourselves to) and get some rest.

Here are some resources I found on-line on preparing for a C-section:
"Preparing for a C-Section"
"A Step-by-step Guide to Preparing for Your C-Section"
"Preparing Yourself For a C-section Delivery"

Full Term & Things to Remember

2011-04-28T13:07:00.000-07:00

Here's me full term. Yes, I'm huge. Yes, I'm counting down the days.

As my pregnancy days are numbered, here are some things that I want to remember about this pregnancy.

-This baby loves the sound of his daddy's voice. He always responds perfectly on cue when my hubby talks to him. He can be quiet all day and then start wriggling around in excitement when daddy gets home and starts talking to me. (My husband jokes that this is probably the only time in his life when he'll listen to his dad this well, but I know it makes him happy.)

-In general I'm not overly affected by serious or weird food cravings. At various points during this pregnancy, though, I have eaten huge amounts of fresh lychees, apple flavored rice cakes, and peanut m&m's.

-Yes, soon I will have three kids fighting for my time and attention. Ever since we told them, though, our girls have been very excited to have a baby in the family. They talk a lot about the baby and what it will be like after he's born (usually including nice things they can do for him, like let him play the prince in their games or sing to him).

-This is probably the last time I'll be pregnant. I want to remember the miracle of feeling them kick (it sounds cheesy but it is a miracle), seeing them in ultrasounds, hearing their heartbeat, etc. I'm impatient to meet and hold him, but I know that right now is the closest that the two of us will ever be.

-Sensitive skin galore, but no new stretch marks (hurray!)

The Sterilization Issue

2011-03-30T12:55:00.000-07:00

I thought I should follow up on my last post about meeting with the consultant. The specialist who is overseeing my maternity care offered to sterilize me while I'm already cut open for the Cesarean.

I was not expecting him to discuss this and my immediate response was to say no.

After thinking about it further and discussing it with my husband, we definitely decided against it. Even though I think this will be our last kid, neither of us felt right about me being sterilized (for multiple reasons).

At my next appointment with my midwife, I mentioned it. She said that the doctor had offered to sterilize some of her other patients as well. In the midwife's opinion, this was a really bad idea for several reasons. First of all, it's not fair to ask a pregnant woman to make that decision. Secondly, the failure rate for sterilizations performed during c-sections is pretty high. In other words, there's a higher than normal chance that it won't even work. Thirdly, it makes recovery even more complicated and delays the time until the mother is able to hold/breastfeed/bond with/care for their newborn baby.

Logically, I can understand why it was offered to me. I don't have a great birth track record as I've had 2 c-sections already (one an emergency and one a no-alternative elective) and an ectopic pregnancy. Emotionally and morally, though, I feel that it was wrong to suddenly push that decision upon me. It particularly bothers me that there was no preparation for that discussion and no further information given about it. Normally for a medical procedure you'll be given information to study beforehand and be able to make an informed decision. This was a surprise.

Women who have c-sections often struggle with mixed feelings as it is. Pregnancy and giving birth is supposed to be such a natural process. It is, after all, what our bodies are meant to do. When you have to have a c-section, it can leave you feeling inadequate or like a failure. It can completely change your birth experience and the way that you begin motherhood (not to mention that the recovery influences your first weeks with your baby). I'm grateful that they are able to do c-sections as I couldn't have had my kids otherwise. However, it's taken me awhile to feel completely at peace with having sections. I really don't need the added emotional baggage of being sterilized at the same time, and I imagine most women would find it difficult as well (even if they want the birth control).

Talking to the Specialist

2011-03-24T07:42:00.000-07:00

We recently met with the specialist who is overseeing my pregnancy care. I also have a midwife that I regularly see, and have met with different doctors in the specialist's team. He's the one ultimately in charge of my care, though, and who will be responsible for the birth.

This was our last meeting with the specialist before the birth, and we got to schedule the C-section. Most of the appointment was pretty standard and exactly what I expected (I had the same specialist with Angel and with the ectopic pregnancy, so I'm used to him, plus this will be my 3rd C-section). One thing he said was completely unexpected though. He offered, while I was already open on the operating table for the section, to go ahead and sterilize me.

I think that was his not-so-subtle way of saying I shouldn't have any more kids.

Even though we're pretty sure that this will be our last baby, neither my husband nor I really feel comfortable with this option. I also feel like it was kind of sprung on us without a lot of discussion or information or time to think it over. We said no thanks.

Have any of you been given this option? What did you do?

32 Weeks Pregnant & Having Heartburn

2011-03-11T03:19:00.000-08:00

Things that give me heartburn:
*bending or leaning over (if standing or sitting)
*changing positions/rolling over (if lying down)
*not eating for too long
*eating peanut butter, oats, mint, or anything acidic (vinegar, citrus fruits, tomatoes, etc.)

OK, that's probably not a complete list, but you get the idea. I seem to have heartburn most of the time these days, and it gets so ridiculous that it wakes me up at night. Tums and other antacids seem to be my constant companion. The problem is that--being pregnant--I'm only allowed to take a limited number of them a day. So I try to ration them out for when it gets really bad.

If all the old wives' tales (and my first two pregnancies) are to be trusted, this baby is going to be born with a head full of hair.

31 Weeks

2011-03-04T04:20:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder what a pregnant woman looks like when she lies down during the last trimester? This is not, in fact, a beached whale or small mountain range. This is me at 31 weeks.

Sinking In

2011-02-04T02:08:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day of my last trimester! Hard to believe isn't it?

As the birth of our new baby gets closer, I've been thinking more about preparing our kids. Princess (our kindergartner) understands a lot more and can remember when Angel was born. She likes to tell me all of the things that she will do to help once the baby is born (sing him songs, get diapers for me, etc.).

I'm more concerned, though, about Angel. She's just two and although she knows there's a baby in my tummy, I've worried about her understanding that the baby will eventually come out and be part of our family. We've tried to let her see and interact with other babies and talk to her about it. We've read books about babies and pregnancy at the library, and the girls have a book about becoming a big sister. (She mostly likes that book because the big sister gets an ice cream in it.)

Lately, though, I think it's starting to sink in more. She has a doll that she's been dragging around with her and taking care of. She's been calling it by the name we're going to use for our baby boy (no, I'm not sharing it here now, although my daughters do know what their little brother's going to be called). Today, though, she said that wasn't his name anymore, because he was a real baby and not a doll.

I think it's still going to be a big adjustment for her, but I'm feeling more hopeful that she's starting to understand what's coming.

Sex During Pregnancy...Part 2

2011-01-31T04:16:00.000-08:00

I blogged recently about sex during pregnancy, and promised to write more about specifics. So here we go...sex during pregnancy part two.

Pregnancy will affect your sex life because your changing shape (meaning huge baby bump) will change what positions work the best. For most couples, good old-fashioned missionary position is kind of the sexual norm. After the first trimester, this position is pretty much out until after the baby's born. So here's my look at what positions do work well during pregnancy.

Spooning: This is probably the best all-rounder position during pregnancy. Since your partner's behind you, it means that your bump isn't an issue at all (so this position feels pretty much the same as it did before you got pregnant). It doesn't put any pressure on you (meaning it's less likely to be uncomfortable or lead to heartburn) or on your partner (meaning you're not squashing him). It's also a bit of a lazier position, so it's perfect for when you're tired during pregnancy but still want to get some.

Perk: It leaves his hands free ;)
Downside: You can't see each other or kiss.

On all fours/Doggy: Again, your partner's behind you so that pregnancy bump isn't an issue. Basically, you get down on your knees and either your hands or elbows. He kneels behind you. This allows for really deep penetration so it's sure to be a big hit with your other half.

Perk: Easy to control tempo
Downside: Same as spooning

Woman on Top: This one's pretty self explanatory. You get on top. It's intimate because you can see each other.

Perk: Probably the best position for you to come
Downside: Also the most tiring for you

Obviously all of these tips are for hetero couples. Here's why. This is a blog, not a guide book. I'm speaking from my experience, and my only partner is my husband. These are tips for couples who are expecting and still want a great sex life too. (Yes, it is possible to be parents and lovers.)

Pregnancy Pictures

2011-01-24T01:28:00.000-08:00

Picture taking seems to be a bit of an obsession among many pregnant women and their friends/families. I admit that I've taken "bump" pictures before (a few of them are on this blog).

I've seen some fantastic pregnancy pictures (click here to see an amazing bump picture) and some awful ones.

I'm curious. What do you think makes a good (or bad) pregnancy portrait? Do you have any good tips for taking bump pictures? Do you love or hate bump picture?

I'd really appreciate any feedback. If you don't want to leave a comment on the blog, then you can email me at bloggingwithbump@gmail.com.

Sex During Pregnancy

2011-01-17T05:29:00.000-08:00

If you're pregnant, obviously you've had sex at least once. Yet somehow it seems that once you're pregnant, people assume that you're not getting any (at least not until after the baby's born and you've miraculously lost all of the baby weight). Seriously. Try shopping for maternity lingerie, for example. It's ridiculously difficult to find maternity lingerie (and I mean actual lingerie and not just bra & knicker sets). Most maternity bras are so ugly that even my grandmother probably wouldn't want to wear them.

So here's the deal.
Pregnancy does not mean celibacy. In fact, pregnancy can be a very sexy time. According to my husband, men find pregnant women sexy. Let's face it: when is a woman more, well, womanly than when she's pregnant? You're super curvy (not only your bump--most women's breasts get bigger and/or fuller during pregnancy too), and probably less self conscious than normal (I don't have to worry about my "wobbly bits", as Bridget Jones would put it).

So let's talk about sex during pregnancy.

Yes, pregnancy hormones can affect your sex life, and they can have a major impact on your libido. This isn't always a bad thing. In my first pregnancy, I was seriously horny pretty much all of the time. That's right. You hear about pregnancy being less sexy because you're tired and feeling sick etc. Sometimes that's true. Sometimes, though, being pregnancy will actually make you want it more. Trust me, I know. I think my husband started to get a little overwhelmed by the time our daughter was born because I was pretty much insatiable.

That's not always the case. Thanks to pregnancy hormones during my second pregnancy, my sex drive was lower than normal. However, I still had a sex drive, and we still enjoyed a good sex life.

During my third pregnancy, I was tired at the beginning, but I was happy and excited. My husband and I enjoyed a lot of passionate sex during this time. Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended too early.

Obviously it didn't take long for us to be at it again, as I got pregnant again very quickly (oops!). My sex drive, to be honest, is about the same as it is when I'm not pregnant. That's not to say that sex is exactly the same. Changing shape means that different positions become better (I'll do a different post about the best sex positions during pregnancy). Thanks to changing hormone levels, what feels fantastic one night may be disappointing the next (and vice versa). Although I really enjoy love making (and cuddling and foreplay, etc), some nights it's harder to actually reach orgasm than others.

You know what, none of those things really matter. If you and your partner love (and lust) each other, pregnant sex can be fabulous.

23 weeks pregnant

2011-01-10T06:54:00.000-08:00

A la my new years resolution, I am going to try to be a more dependable blogger. Not that reliability is necessarily a great trait for bloggers, as interesting and creative are probably more valuable traits, but at least it's something. So we're about a week and a half into the new year, and I'm posting again.

I intended to do a little weekly pregnancy update on here. Obviously, it hasn't happened, and I've just been posting willy-nilly about pregnancy and family topics as they've occurred to me and I had time. If I'd paid less attention to willy and more to blogging, I'd probably have a lot more readers. On the other hand, I probably wouldn't have a pregnancy blog. (Sorry for the bad play on words. It wasn't planned, I promise.

My growing bump at 23 weeks

At any rate, I'm now 23 weeks pregnant. This is about the point where babies are considered viable. That means that if my baby were born now, he would have a fighting chance. Still a small chance, though, so let's hope he stays put for awhile. As both of his big sisters were late, I doubt that it will be a problem.

He is starting to get into more of an asleep/awake pattern, so that he'll move around for awhile and then be quiet for awhile at regular intervals. Yes, I can feel him move around. He even woke me up for the first time this week because apparently 3 am was a good time to have a party, or practice kick-boxing, or whatever it is babies do in there. Ironically, as I'm writing this he just woke up and started kicking again. In my head he's saying, "Are you talking about me again?"

To find out more about week 23 of pregnancy, click here or here.

Babble Bloggers

2011-01-02T23:16:00.000-08:00

Every year Babble puts together a list of the best 50 "mom blogs". There are some really great blogs on there that I have enjoyed looking at. Also, some one nominated my little blogging project as their favorite. Blogging with Bump is a long way from winning any awards, but I appreciate that some one has liked it. If you want to give my blog the thumbs up with Babble as well, click here.

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T11:27:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year Everybody!

I hope that this is the start of a fabulous new year for everyone.

It's amazing to think back on all of the things that have happened in the past year. In 2010 I got pregnant and lost my baby (I hate that saying--it's not like I misplaced them--but I've yet to think of a better term to use), and then got pregnant again. My daughter started school. I went through a lot of changes at work. And this is just the reader's digest version of the year.

In 2011 I'm going to have a baby boy! I can't wait to find out what else this year will bring. I don't know most of what will happen this year, but I do have a few resolutions to share.

New year's resolution #1: Be a better blogger. I realize I've been pretty spastic about posting lately. I'd like to post once a week until my baby's born. (After that we'll see what happens.)

New year's resolution #2: Be a more patient parent.

Happy Holidays Everybody!

2010-12-22T12:13:00.000-08:00

Mistletoe

Happy Holidays everyone! If you're celebrating Christmas, Merry Christmas! If not, happy holidays to any holidays that you do celebrate at this time of year.

True Blue

2010-12-22T12:06:00.000-08:00

My baby boy's foot

I'm now at the halfway point: 20 weeks pregnant!

We had an ultrasound this week. Our sonographer was really good. We got some really good views of our baby wriggling around, and could see that everything looked healthy. It's amazing to see their little fingers and toes, heartbeat, ribs, etc. Absolutely amazing.

We wanted to find out the baby's sex, and luckily our baby obliged with some very clear views. There was absolutely no mistaking that we're having a little boy! We're really excited, especially to know who our baby is.

Bump!

2010-12-10T05:08:00.000-08:00

For the first time since starting this blog, I have a visible bump! I didn't show at all for a long time, and although I had started to feel bigger lately, no one else could see a difference. Suddenly, though, my tummy has popped out into a big baby oval. It finally looks like I'm pregnant, and just this week I've switched to wearing mostly maternity clothes. Not many people know that I'm pregnant yet, so it will be fun to see people's reactions as they see me (and now evidence of baby).

I'm almost 19 weeks pregnant! Hard to believe that this could easily be about halfway!

Craving?

2010-11-24T03:07:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if it counts as a pregnancy craving or not, but I seem to be drinking hot chocolate by the bucket lately. Maybe it's a pregnancy thing...or maybe it's just because it's getting cold outside and festive inside. At any rate, this is definitely my new vice. I justify it because the only way I'll drink milk is in hot chocolate, and calcium is good for you, right?

Telling The Kids

2010-11-08T03:50:00.000-08:00

We wanted to tell our kids before it became public knowledge that I was pregnant. So after everything was fine at the scan, we sat down our kids and told them.

My four-year-old is absolutely delighted. She says she's "quite pleased" and she sang a little baby song.

Our two-year-old doesn't really understand what's going on, but at least this time she didn't say she'd rather be a car.

Dating Scan

2010-11-04T04:28:00.000-07:00

As you can see, we didn't get very good pictures at our scan this time. The baby was still really low in my pelvis and tucked up at an awkward angle, so the sonographer had a hard time seeing him (or her) clearly. So unfortunately my baby still just looks like a splodge on the scan photos.

The good news is that they were able to do a couple of measurements, see the heartbeat, and generally see that it is a healthy pregnancy and that the baby looks fine. I was really anxious to make sure that everything's OK, so I'm very relieved.

Sleep...or lack of it.

2010-10-26T03:08:00.000-07:00

It's one of life's little paradoxes that being pregnant makes you more tired, but it can also make it more difficult to sleep. You wake up to pee a lot more than normal (or at least I do). Once you start feeling your baby kick, they'll probably decide that the middle of the night is a good time to practice their baby kick boxing. By the last weeks you're big and it's hard to get comfortable and awkward to move around in bed.

Here's the thing though: I'm only 12 weeks along. I don't look pregnant yet, and my baby's too small for me to feel their movements. For some reason, though, I've had a really hard time sleeping this week. There's no obvious reason why. I feel fine; I'm not stressed. I just can't sleep. I'll toss and turn and then when I finally do fall asleep, I'll wake up and look at the clock--only to discover that it's only about 20 minutes later than the last time I looked. All of this not sleeping and restlessness has made my neck stiff and sore. It does seem to help to have a wheat pillow. I have one of those roll shaped pillows filled with wheat and lavender. The great thing about it is that you can pop it in the microwave for a couple of minutes, and then go to bed with it warm and soothing against your neck. I still didn't get a good night's sleep with it, but my neck hurt less after using it.

Here's hoping that I can start sleeping again soon.

Here are a few articles I found about sleeping difficulties during pregnancy ("Ways To Cope With Insomnia During Pregnancy" and "Sleep During Pregnancy") . Hopefully they'll have some helpful advice.

Pregnancy Test (backtracking a few weeks)

2010-10-25T01:46:00.000-07:00

Surprise! Obviously this was how I found out, but when I took the test I didn't expect it to be positive. Luckily this is a good surprise. According to the early scan, it was way more than three weeks. In fact, I'm now 12 weeks pregnant--almost finished with the first trimester!!!

First Meeting With My Midwife

2010-10-18T11:08:00.000-07:00

Today I had my first appointment with my midwife. Mostly it was just administration stuff. We filled out a bunch of forms and my pregnancy records, which means that I spent a lot of the appointment repeating my date of birth, address, etc. and explaining all of my past history. Yet again I had to explain that it wasn't helpful to ask when my last period was. She persisted, so I explained that it was last May. She looked at me in shock because that would make me significantly further along. Once again I explained (she'd already written this down in my notes at this point) that I had an ectopic pregnancy and underwent surgery in July, and hadn't had a period since before I got pregnant with that pregnancy. So my last period gave us dates for my previous pregnancy, not this one. She wrote down May in my notes anyway. Later, though, she wrote me down as being two weeks earlier that I actually am (not as far along). So anyone who sees my notes is going to be extremely confused about how far along I am and when I'm actually due. Who knew it was so complicated?

Otherwise she seems fine. It's good to finally have a point of contact and know that, if I need to, I do actually have a midwife.

Maternity Clothes

2010-10-16T06:21:00.000-07:00

In the past, I've always known that I was pregnant really early (before I was due to start). With my first daughter, I was pretty thin when I got pregnant, so I started showing really early. It was a bit later with my second kid. The third time I was pregnant I busted out the maternity clothes really early (partially because I was just in need of a wardrobe boost).

This time, I didn't even know that I was pregnant until I was over 9 weeks. Since I didn't know I was pregnant, before then I was still doing everything as normal (including riding my bike most days pulling my kids behind me in their bike trailer). My normal clothes fit like normal. I was a bit annoyed that I was doing all of this cycling without seeming to lose weight, but otherwise it was fine.

Even after I found out, I was pretty pleased that my normal clothes still fit. We're not really planning on telling people until after the 12 week scan, so I was hoping not to wear maternity clothes until then. So I was getting ready this morning and told my husband how glad I was that all of my clothes still fit me just fine. My jeans were getting a bit snug at the front and a bit loose at the back (I guess the cycling did something after all). I go to put on my jeans, and the first pair (my tighter pair) won't zip up. Serves me right for being proud. Overnight I can literally feel a difference in the shape of my stomach. Most of my normal clothes are still fine, but as I'm just going to be at home today I went ahead and pulled out my maternity jeans.

The only problem is that my maternity jeans are still too big and so they keep sagging down. I've spent more time yanking up my jeans today than doing just about anything else. I wish I could find a belt.

Pregnancy Confirmed

2010-10-14T02:23:00.000-07:00

After taking the positive pregnancy test, I called and set up an appointment with my doctor's office. My husband came into the appointment with me. The doctor kept asking when the first day of my last period had been, and I kept having to explain that I hadn't had a period in a long time (when was it? Last May maybe) since I hadn't had a period since before I got pregnant before and it was ectopic. So we had no way to date this pregnancy. As we had no idea on dates and needed to make sure that it wasn't ectopic again, she immediately booked me in for an ultrasound at the hospital. Once again I was booked for a vaginal scan as they are clearer in earlier pregnancy than abdominal scans.

We went to the hospital and were shown into the exact same room where we had been scanned last time before I was rushed into surgery. I was terrified of having a similar experience again. Luckily, this time the sonographer could tell us almost immediately that it was not an ectopic pregnancy. This pregnancy is in the right place and everything (so far) looks healthy and normal. And (here's the big surprise) I was already 9 1/2 weeks along!!!! That means that we conceived just 2 1/2 weeks after the ectopic pregnancy surgery! So that was definitely a shock, but we're excited.

Pregnant?!

2010-10-11T03:33:00.000-07:00

After the last post, I feel like I should backtrack a bit and explain...

I'd mentioned before that I hadn't restarted my period yet after having an ectopic pregnancy end several months ago. I knew that it would take a little while for my cycle to get back to normal, but hadn't expected it to take more than a couple of months. So I was putting things away in the bathroom cupboard one day, and found a pregnancy test. I took it. As we have used contraception 100% of the time, I was expecting to just rule it out. Instead, after a very long minute, the test came up positive!

It was one of the tests that dates as well, so it said that conception had occurred over three weeks ago (the longest time on the test). I was in shock. I wanted to be excited, but part of me was scared that it could be something residual from my last pregnancy or (even worse) that it could be another ectopic.

I called my husband to tell him, and then immediately called to set up an appointment with my doctor. At this point I was still just kind of literally in shock because I didn't know exactly what was going on or what to expect and how to respond.

Surprise!

2010-10-08T05:34:00.000-07:00

Contraception

2010-09-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

It had been awhile since I had to worry about contraception. My husband and I were trying for a baby, and then I was pregnant. Suddenly, afterwards, we were stuck worrying about contraception again.

Has anyone else had to try to figure out which contraceptive is best after an ectopic pregnancy? I didn't want an implant or anything like that for a lot of reasons. I feel like my hormones have been through enough already this year, so I don't feel like going back on the pill (at least not yet). In the end, we settled on the most basic method: condoms.

Maybe in the long term we'll switch, but I still don't know what the long term holds. I think that, eventually, we'll probably try one more time for another baby. I don't know when we'll be ready though.

Follow Up Appointment

2010-09-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

It's been about two months now since I lost my baby because it was an ectopic pregnancy. I had a follow up appointment with the specialist at the hospital. Tactfully, the appointment was not in the maternity ward. In fact, I seemed to be surrounded in the waiting room mostly by old people waiting for blood tests.

I'm not sure what I expected from my follow up appointment, but this wasn't it. First of all, it was extremely brief. The doctor asked if my wounds were healed, and I said yes. He didn't look at them at all. He asked if I'd started my period again yet, and I answered no. He said to expect them to be abnormal for a few months when I do restart and that it's normal for your cycle to take awhile to be regular again. Then he asked if we were planning for another baby in the future, and advised us to wait at least three months (from the time of the surgery) and until I had had a normal period. Then he said goodbye. The whole appointment lasted about two minutes tops.

I had expected to be given more long-term information and more discussion, but I'm not really sure what the purpose of the appointment was as the doctor didn't actually check anything or tell me anything that I hadn't been told in the hospital at the time. Also, although he spoke about ectopic pregnancies in general, I felt like he wasn't very particular about my circumstances. I got the impression that he hadn't bothered to read over my notes, and that he just wanted to get rid of me and my husband as quickly as possible so that he could go on with his day.

It was all completely medical. I could have been recovering from any surgery (as far as the doctor's statements went).

I really wish medical care was more personal.

Finding Peace

2010-09-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

It can be hard to make peace with an ectopic pregnancy. For the few days, it was just panic and overwhelming and medical necessities. There was too much urgency to really stop and think. Once I got home from the hospital, grief moved in with us. Grief is not polite. It doesn't ask when would be convenient or offer to come back later. Grief sneaks into bed with you, embraces you in your sleep, taps you shoulder when you're getting dressed, shadows you.

Somehow we had to move on. As much as I just wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and give up, I still had two kids who needed me and didn't understand what was going on.

Here's how we made peace. My husband and I felt that we needed some type of memorial, and my husband had the great idea to plant a tree. We took our daughters out to nurseries and garden centers with us, and eventually we picked a beautiful little weeping willow.

One day we sent the girls out with a relative so that we could have a couple of hours without them. My husband and I held our own little service. We sang a couple of hymns, although saying we sung isn't really very accurate as we don't sound very good at the best of times and both of us were trying not to sob. We prayed. We read some religious quotes about the eternal nature of families and the hope of seeing our baby again. We went outside and planted the tree, and then we planted flowers around it. It's in a spot in the yard where we can see it easily from the biggest windows in the house. We held onto each other and cried, but in a new, healing way.

We also picked a name for our baby. It was too depressing for me to think that they never had a name. So we picked a name with a beautiful and appropriate meaning.

We concluded our little memorial service by praying together, and then we just sat and cried and hugged and looked out at our new little garden.

It seems like such a simple thing, but we've both felt so much better and more peaceful since then. I still miss my baby and mourn for them, of course I do, but it is manageable.

Holding up

2010-09-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant, one of the very noticeable effects was that my breasts were fuller. Also, the underwire in bras was really irritating. Basically, even though I was still in the first trimester, I needed a maternity bra. I special ordered one from a store that I usually buy my bras from.

Today I managed to go into the store and explain that I no longer needed the maternity bra. Without bursting into tears or even my voice cracking. I even held it together in order to get refitted and get a normal bra instead.

Amazingly, I think I'm coping.

Recovery

2010-08-29T05:23:00.000-07:00

A few things about the physical recovery after being operated on for ectopic pregnancy...

Like with any pregnancy, your body has prepared itself to be pregnant. This includes the lining of the womb thickening and blood capacity starting to increase. When you're suddenly not pregnant anymore, your body must re-adjust to being normal. This includes shedding the extra lining. As a result, after an ectopic pregnancy you will bleed for awhile (about a week and a half in my case, although it was not at all steady). Like after childbirth, you can't use tampons because of the risk of infection. You also can't have sex again until you've completely finished bleeding (to give your body a chance to recover and because of the risk of infection).

If you have surgery, you won't be allowed to shower for the first day or two. After that, you can take shower, but you can't submerge your wounds in water until they're completely healed over. So no baths, swimming, etc.

Even if you do everything you're told to, you can still get an infection. One of my incision sites got infected and so I had to go through two rounds of antibiotics. If your wound starts to look really red and inflamed, stink, or have a yellow colored discharge (yes, I do realize it's gross), see your doctor immediately and make them swab it and prescribe antibiotics.

After the sun goes down...

2010-08-24T05:05:00.000-07:00

During the day it is easier to get distracted. Whether or not we always want it to, life goes on. We still have to take care of the kids we have, take care of the house, pay the bills, etc. The grief is still there, but you can move it to the background for awhile, let it simmer on the back burner while you go through the motions.

At night it demands your attention. For the first week after it happened, I went to bed at night and the tears just came. My husband just put his arms around me and held me while I sobbed for hours at a time. He usually ended up crying with me.

Weeping should be listed as one of the side effects of an ectopic pregnancy.

Other People

2010-08-22T05:51:00.000-07:00

We hadn't told anyone that I was pregnant yet. When I was first went into the ER, my husband called both of our sets of parents. Our siblings got filled in as well. That's it. Those are the only people we told. I understand that some people in my situation would probably want to tell all of their friends and would need to talk and get support.

For us, we just found it too painful to have to keep explaining it to everyone. There was nothing that they could do to help, and I really didn't want any platitudes. It was hard enough to process to ourselves that it had been an ectopic pregnancy and that our baby was gone. Explaining it to lots of other people (and--even worse--having word get around so that acquaintances brought it up to us) was just too much. I needed to recover from the surgery anyway, so we just kind of dropped out of society for a few weeks. (It was easier because we had planned to be out of town about now, so people just thought that we were on summer vacation like everybody else.) That's all of the people we told, although I know that my mom did tell some people (at least a few relatives, but I suspect many more of her friends as well).

A few people who know have been fantastic, and I will be forever grateful for their unconditional and absolute sympathy and love. Some people, though, just don't know how to react. Perhaps worst of all, my parents seem determined to just avoid the subject completely. They will discuss my physical recovery (as briefly as possible) if I bring it up, but there's been absolutely no mention that this was their grandbaby. That's hard too.

So here's my advice. If you know someone who suffers through an ectopic pregnancy (or miscarriage, for that matter), don't avoid them or keep bringing the subject up. Just be ready to sit down with them, let them talk, cry with them, and then give them a hug if you're the hugging type. Maybe bring by some food for them.

Things I want to remember about this pregnancy:

2010-08-19T04:49:00.000-07:00

We were so happy and excited. I can remember all of the anticipation before hand, and how absolutely thrilled we were when I took the test and it came back positive.
Like with all of my pregnancies, I was really tired during the first couple of weeks. It was a satisfying kind of tired, the kind that makes you sleepy but also a bit smug because you know the reason why. My husband was fantastic about getting up with our girls in the morning and letting me rest (sometimes for naps in the afternoon too). The girls were also very patient about watching children's TV more often than normal so that I could rest.
This little baby was (and is) greatly loved. I remember my husband saying "I love you", then putting his hand over my tummy and saying "and you."
I may only have been in the first trimester, but being pregnant definitely affected my eating. I ate stuffed vine leaves like crazy. My husband kept buying them for me, and I just couldn't get enough of them. I remember one perfect day when I felt pregnant and fantastic. We went to the market and the olive guy gave me a huge free pot of stuffed vine leaves. A kind lady on Freecycle gave me a huge bag of fantastic maternity clothes. It was a beautiful sunny day and we played outside with our girls. It was just a bunch of little things, but it was such a happy day.
I also really liked shakes. It was really hot, and we don't have air conditioning. Pretty much every day I made myself a shake for breakfast with ice, a banana, some milk, some nesquik, a spoonful of peanut butter, and some flaxseed.

Loss

2010-08-16T04:35:00.000-07:00

Only a few weeks ago, I told my husband that the only thing that I was really afraid of was something happening to him or any of our kids (including the one not born yet). I can't say that I really faced that fear, but because of my pregnancy being ectopic pregnancy I have been forced to live through it.

Unless you have had this experience, you can not imagine how heart-wrenching the loss is. You walk into the surgery pregnant, and you walk out empty with a huge gaping aching spot instead. It's not a hole, because a hole is passive. It's more of a black hole that threatens to suck everything into its grief.

If we hadn't already have had two kids, I don't know how I would have made it through. My daughters were my reason for trying to hold it together. This baby, this tiny baby who will never be born now, was already a part of our family. My husband packed away the baby things that had already started accumulating so that I wouldn't have to see them. I packed away the maternity clothes calmly, then burst into tears.

I need to go now, but I'll write more about this later.

The Hospital: Part Four

2010-08-10T10:56:00.000-07:00

I was able to walk back to the preparation room adjacent to the operating room. I was accompanied by one of the nurses (she pushed along my IV stand).

They immediately had me lay down on the operating table. I remember most vividly that it was extremely cold (it probably seemed more extreme to me as I was just wearing a hospital gown and by this point had multiple bags of cold liquid pumping into my IV). The only real preparation left was that I had to take out my contact lenses.

The surgeons, anesthesiologists, etc. made small talk during the short time between my entering the OR and going under. Most of it was fine, but some one asked if I had known that I was pregnant. I nodded and struggled to keep it together and not just break out into tears. I kept trying not to think about it, but I knew that at that point my baby was still alive and fine. Logically I knew that although my baby was still alive for the moment, there's no way that they could have survived for much longer--whether or not I went in for the surgery. Emotionally, I felt horrifically guilty knowing that the surgery that was going to save my life was going to kill my baby...even if everyone at the hospital was very careful not to word it that way.

As had been explained to me previously, the anesthetic was administered through my IV. I was out within seconds.

Obviously I don't remember what happened next. According to my husband, I was in surgery for about three hours. I don't want to speak for him, but I think it's safe to say that they were three of the more miserable and nerve wracking hours of his life.

I woke up in recovery. It was extra disorienting because I couldn't see (they gave me my glasses after they realized I had come to). After only a couple of minutes I was wheeled on the bed back to the ward where my husband was waiting for me. Considering all of the horror stories that I had heard about general anesthetic, physically I felt much better than I had expected.

The surgeon came and spoke with us and explained that the surgery was successful. They "removed the pregnancy", stopped the internal bleeding, and removed most of my right fallopian tube. Amazingly they did not have to remove my right ovary, which they had anticipated they would probably have to do. The surgery was performed laproscopically. I had a small incision in my belly button for the camera, a slightly larger incision on the left side of my tummy for tools (suction, etc.), and the largest incision about four inches below my belly button (right next to my C-section scar). That was the incision they worked through.

We realized what a hurry they had been in to get me into surgery when I noticed, with surprise, that although I had been under general anesthetic, they hadn't taken the time to put in a catheter.

The rest of my time in the hospital was just recovering enough to go home. I was still on an IV until shortly before I was discharged. I was also still being observed fairly regularly, although not as strictly as before going into surgery. Although I kind of shuffled, I was able to walk myself to the toilet (with my husband's support and help with the IV) within an hour or so of the surgery. By the end of the day I could walk slowly unassisted.

When they discharged me, they gave me a leaflet on miscarriage. I looked through it, and it really upsets me that they didn't have any better information to give out about ectopic pregnancies. None of the miscarriage application was really applicable to my situation, and it just seemed worse than being given nothing at all. It made me realize how little information and support is available for people who lose a baby through ectopic pregnancy. I was also given a leaflet on recovering from laproscopic surgery and two types of prescription painkillers (cocodamol and ibuprofen). I was also given instructions about recovery and future care (I'll discuss that later).

Although an ectopic pregnancy is an absolutely horrid reason to be in hospital, I did appreciate the staff there. They were kind, which I really needed.

The Hospital: Part 3

2010-08-08T12:50:00.000-07:00

I was transferred to the breast and gynecological ward to be prepared for surgery.

I was put under observation. At regular intervals (it seemed like constantly), nurses came and checked my blood pressure, heart rate, blood oxygen level, and temperature.

The main thing that they needed to do before surgery was to take more blood for further testing, and to get some good lines in. The nurse couldn't find a vein. The phlebotomist put such a tight tourniquet on me that my hand was going all pins and needly, but she couldn't find a vein either. The doctor came back and explained that my veins were basically shutting down. So much of my blood supply was pumping into my tummy that there just wasn't enough left for the rest of my body. I felt very cold (due to low circulation) and at times very light-headed. Normally I can donate blood without a problem, and no one's ever had a problem taking my blood before. However, my veins were just collapsing, and so a whole host of medical professionals couldn't find a good vein.

Eventually, in hopes of increasing their chances, the doctor had my arm wrapped up. Warming it can help, so my arm was wrapped in layers of padding before they tried again. After a lot of tapping and prodding at my veins (and several false attempts), the department's chief anesthesiologist finally managed to get a cannula into my hand. Although she finally managed to feed the tube into my vein, they couldn't get any blood to come out of it. There was just nothing there to draw. So they gave up on drawing blood then and just started pumping me full of fluids instead. I wasn't allowed to drink or eat as I was about to go in for surgery, but they started me on an IV. Normally when you see IV's, they are at a slow drip. This was more like a waterfall. It was a steady pour into my veins trying to rehydrate me as much as possible. (They also went ahead and ordered several units of blood in my type to be sent to the operating room as they expected me to need a transfusion.)

After having my other arm wrapped up and then tourniqueted again, and being on the IV, they managed to draw some blood. I also had to do your standard hospital pee in a cup for testing. (This was particularly great as I already had an IV in, so I had to go use the toilet with an IV stand and tubes hooked up to my hand.)

It seems that there was a steady stream of people to see us. The anesthesiologist (two of them, actually) came and explained what would happen. For surgery for an ectopic pregnancy, they use a general anesthetic. They explained what I should expect and checked on my cannula (the tube into my hand that could be used for IV's). For surgery, they usually require patients to have two working IV lines. That way, just in case they have a problem with one, they already have a back-up. In my case, they gave up on getting a second line in, and said they were just thankful that they managed the one.

I also had the doctor come back several times to check on me and to discuss things to my husband and myself. I had to sign consent forms for the surgery, and they explained all of the possible risks to me. Honestly, though, I didn't really have a choice. I could either have the surgery, or I could refuse medical help and die. It was an absolutely heart-wrenching thing to sign the consent forms, but there just wasn't another option.

There were also nurses and student nurses constantly checking me, checking my blood pressure, etc. The surgeon also came out to speak with me. They also dry shaved me to prepare for the surgery. (If you go in for abdominal surgery, don't be surprised if they shave off the top couple of inches of your hair first. If you know in advance that you're going in, it's definitely preferable to do it yourself.)

Then we just had to wait for the operating room to be ready. They pushed all of the other surgeries back so that they could fit me in next. We literally just waited long enough for them to clean the operating room, and then it was my turn.

The Hospital: Part 2

2010-08-07T03:13:00.000-07:00

After finishing with the scan, it wasn't long before we spoke with one of the doctors. She was really good and we had actually seen her before when Princess was born. She explained to us that it was definitely an ectopic pregnancy, and that our only real choice was for me to go in for emergency surgery.

If you're not familiar with what an ectopic pregnancy is, I'll give just a brief explanation. An ectopic pregnancy is basically when the pregnancy is in the wrong place. Normally, the ovary releases the egg. It then travels along the Fallopian Tube. Somewhere along the way, the egg gets fertilized by sperm. In a healthy pregnancy, the fertilized egg then keeps going down the tube and implants itself in the lining of the uterus. In an ectopic pregnancy, the egg implants itself somewhere else (normally, including in my case, inside the Fallopian Tube). Sometimes there is a reason for this to happen (infections, having a contraceptive coil, damage to or malformations of the tubes, etc.). About half of the time there is no apparent reason for it to happen. (The surgeon eventually told me that it was "bad luck" as there was no apparent reason for me to have had an ectopic pregnancy.)

Ectopic pregnancies are never viable. That sounds really clinical. What it really means is that your baby has absolutely no chance of survival. Ectopic pregnancies never make it to term (in fact they almost never survive past about 7 weeks, and most end much sooner), and there is no way to save the baby.

Ectopic pregnancies can also be dangerous for the mothers. According to WebMD, ectopic pregnancies are: "the leading cause of pregnancy-related death during the first trimester in the United States." Many ectopic pregnancies will naturally miscarry before they become dangerous for the mother (often before she even knows that she was pregnant). In other cases, they are caught early enough to avoid serious health risks. A lot of the time, though, ectopic pregnancies aren't diagnosed until they rupture the area where they have implanted. In my case, the first sign that my pregnancy was ectopic was when I experienced severe abdominal pain, etc. because the pregnancy had grown large enough that it was literally causing my fallopian tube to burst (leading to internal bleeding, etc.). In many parts of the world, this still leads to a lot of maternal fatalities. Where people don't have access to prompt and quality medical care, they can die from the internal bleeding and infections.

My ectopic pregnancy had reached the point where the only option was to have emergency surgery to remove it. There was no chance of saving my baby. At this point, the doctors were concerned about saving my life. The doctor that we were meeting with sent me over to the ward to be prepared for emergency surgery. Then she rushed off to book me for the next available operating room in the hospital, and to enlist the help of the best surgery team that she could.

The Hospital: Part 1

2010-08-04T23:15:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in my last post that I ended up in the ER with severe abdominal pain (especially on the right side) and a few other symptoms. After spending a very emotional day at home, we went in for our appointment at the hospital's early pregnancy unit. Although it was in the same building as the maternity ward, I was really grateful that it was on the other side of the building so that we weren't surrounded by happy couples sporting huge bumps or new babies. I just couldn't have handled it then.

First they looked at my blood work. For 6 weeks pregnant, my hormone level (Hcg) was about 4x what they are looking for. Otherwise, although no single thing was glaringly dangerous, everything was slightly off. Although it didn't give an obvious answer as to what, my blood test results showed that something was definitely wrong.

Then I had a vaginal scan. I'd never had a vaginal ultrasound before, but it was the best way to see exactly what was happening at this stage of pregnancy. I had to lie back in a chair with stirrups. My husband sat next to me holding my hand. The sonographer spoke the whole time, explaining what she was doing and what she could see. When she started, she could immediately see a thick endometrius. This means that the lining of the womb was very thick, as would be expected during pregnancy. However, it was also empty. She couldn't see any signs of pregnancy: either there or recently miscarried.

As she moved the wand, she saw more things that worried her. By this point the screen was turned so that I couldn't see what was happening during the scan, and she had the clearest view. She found the pregnancy, but in the right fallopian tube. My baby was still alive, but in the wrong place. She also found another worrying area on my right tube. She could also see signs of fluid.

At this point, she wanted a second opinion (or verifications of the seriousness of what she was seeing). She left for a minute and then came back with another experienced sonographer. Together they confirmed that I had an ectopic pregnancy in my right fallopian tube that had grown to the point of rupturing my tube. This was causing significant internal bleeding. My abdomen was basically filling up with blood. They said it was common to see some signs of fluid around the tube itself during an ectopic pregnancy, but that they could see it pretty much everywhere they looked with me. They took pictures and measurements on the ultrasound machine the whole time.

At this point I was able to get up, wipe off all of the jelly they use for scans, and get re-dressed. Then my husband and I were ushered into a private office to wait to speak with a specialist.

Complications

2010-07-28T11:00:00.000-07:00

Last night I had severe abdominal pain. It was the worst pain that I've ever experienced. I also bled some and threw up a couple of times. My husband took me to the ER. They did tests on my blood and urine, and couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. We're booked in with the specialist tommorow to get an ultrasound and hopefully some answers.

Today has been absolute hell. I'm probably losing my baby, and there's nothing that I can do about it. I feel so helpless.

Week Five

2010-07-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

Today I'm exactly five weeks pregnant! It's amazing how quickly my little baby is developing. According to a book I looked at, he or she is already 10,000 times bigger than at conception! Imagine if we kept growing at that rate. Already his little heart and nervous system and other organs are forming. Amazing.

To read an article on the 5th week of pregnancy, click here.

Tired

2010-07-23T00:41:00.000-07:00

If I didn't already know that I was pregnant, I definitely would have known after this week. I have been absolutely exhausted. One day I found it hard to keep my eyes open, and fell asleep three times during the day! Rather than getting up with my little girls in the morning, I've been getting up, leaving them in front of the TV, and going back to bed, or else my husband gets up with them.

When I was pregnant with Princess and Angel I was really tired in the first trimester as well, so I know that I'll get more energy again soon. Right now, though, I'm feeling pretty tired. It's hardly surprising, actually, when you think about how much is going on right now with the pregnancy.

Big sister to be

2010-07-20T23:58:00.000-07:00

My toddler is obsessed with cars. Angel's the most beautiful little girl you've ever seen, and she loves anything on wheels. In the garden, she loves to play with her little tikes car. Her favorite toys are cars and trains. When other kids her age get scared from noisy big vehicles driving by, she jumps with excitement and points, saying "Wow! Big Car!"

Having found out that she's going to be a big sister, my husband and I have thought a lot about how this will affect her and how she'll react. The day that I took the pregnancy test, my husband was very excited to pull her up into his lap and tell her that she's going to be a big sister.

Her response?

"No Daddy. I car."

He tried again, and she just kept insisting that she's going to grow up into a car.

HURRAY!!!

2010-07-17T11:06:00.001-07:00

Baby Blogs

2010-07-14T07:44:00.000-07:00

I read an e-article today on the best pregnancy blogs. (Click here to read the article.) I enjoyed looking at other people's blogs about pregnancy, and particularly liked His Boys Can Swim. It did seem, though, like as I was looking at pregnancy blogs I found quite a few that dealt with very serious problems during the pregnancy, and some of the stories ended either in miscarriage or the baby dying soon after birth. It was really upsetting for me to read about. I appreciate and respect all of the parents who shared their experience, but as somebody planning a kid, it made me feel anxious. It's so easy to worry about everything that could happen...

Looking at other peoples' blogs also made me realize how far I have to go with this little blogging adventure of mine. I was often impressed and humbled.

Wondering

2010-07-08T13:03:00.000-07:00

I'm in that phase again where the most fertile time of my cycle is ending, but it's too soon to know if anything's happened. It's the wondering stage. Am I pregnant already? Could I still get pregnant this month? If not, how long will we have to keep trying? I feel like I do when I look up at the stars on a summer night and make a wish and wonder about people all over the world (and through time) looking up at the same stars. Wondering if this month my wish will happen, even if I wouldn't know it for a few more weeks. This is the time of waiting and wondering.

"Straight Away"

2010-07-05T10:54:00.000-07:00

One of my oldest daughter's teachers is pregnant. She's about to go on maternity leave, and so my daughter was talking about making a card for her. After discussing her teacher having a baby, Princess looked at me and said, "Daddy needs to put a baby in your tummy straight away so that we can have another baby in the family very soon."

4th of July BBQ

2010-07-04T13:00:00.000-07:00

I've had a great Independence Day. We went to a barbecue with some friends. The weather was perfect, and I love the nice smoky smell of barbecue. It seems like we've been so busy lately and just working non-stop, so it was a welcome break to just lounge about for an afternoon eating and chatting with friends. Our kids had a great time with all of the other children there running around, playing games, and stealing sausages as quickly as they came off the BBQ. Happy 4th of July everybody.

Some of our friends were there with their toddler and newborn baby. She just slept peacefully in her dad's lap, and then woke up and wriggled happily on the picnic blanket. Everyone there couldn't help but coo over her. My husband looked at her and noted how beautiful and tiny she was. "I want one", he summed up. Nice to know that I'm not the only one who's broody.

Now I just need some fireworks to finish off a great 4th.

(Fireworks image borrowed from Blah-g. Thanks. My fireworks definitely won't be this impressive.)

Happy Anniversary

2010-07-03T14:29:00.000-07:00

Last night we celebrated our anniversary. We got a sitter for the night and enjoyed a romantic evening out together. We went out for dinner and then revisted some of our favourite spots from when we were dating and engaged. It was a really romantic evening; it was perfect for our anniversary to take a trip down memory lane, so to speak. I am an incredibly lucky woman to have my husband. I know it sounds really cheesy, and I try not to get all gushy, but it's true. Revisiting former haunts (and make-out spots) of ours was fantastic, but it made me realize how much more I love him now. If you read this, happy anniversary hun.

Our fantastic date also made me more confident about our decision to try for a baby right now. We may not be perfect parents, but this baby will definitely be born to a loving family. My last period started about two weeks ago, so who knows? Maybe we'll get a special anniversary present this year :)

A little bit of our history

2010-06-24T10:55:00.000-07:00

(Picture of rings from the Silver Wedding Rings Website.)

I met my now-husband when I was a grad. student. I was very focused on my goals (education, career, etc.). I wanted to settle down, get married and have a family someday. The key word being someday. Then I met my husband. There was instant chemistry between us, but it took us awhile to admit it. We became good friends first and then falling in love was the most natural thing in the world. It didn't take long for us to realize that we always wanted to be together and get engaged.

While we were engaged, it seemed as though we talked for hours and hours about absolutely everything. One of the things we discussed a lot was having a family. We both really felt like we wanted to start trying for a baby right after we got married. We also discussed how many kids we wanted, parenting ideas, etc. We had a magical engagement and then a beautiful, elegant wedding.

Our wedding night was our first try for #1. It wasn't that night (not that you want to know), but it didn't take long. Ten months after getting married, our beautiful little girl was born. I had a great pregnancy. Other than getting really tired in the first trimester and roughly the size of a whale by the last trimester, there were no real concerns or complaints. She was a really active baby in the womb, and wriggled and kicked constantly (especially to music). It was pretty common to see a hand or foot pressed against my tummy. She also would try to push things off of my tummy.

Unfortunately the birth was less straightforward. She was two weeks late before I went into labour. I had wanted a natural home birth, so my husband called the midwife and we started walking around the neighbourhood to try to get labour established. Nothing went to plan though. Instead of having my midwife with us the whole time, a midwife we had never met before left us alone for hours at a time and seemed annoyed when we would call her. I was in labour for a long time and nothing really seemed to be happening. After over 24 hours of labour, I started puking and just felt that something was wrong. We demanded that a new midwife come check, and she sent us rushing into hospital in an ambulance. Our baby was in distress and I had to have an emergency C-section. It is absolutely amazing how quickly they can deliver a baby when necessary. Within minutes of signing the forms, I was in the operating room and they had delivered her. She wasn't breathing when she was born and had to be resuscitated. There was also concern about infection by Strep B.

Luckily, she turned out to be just fine. Once they got her taken care of and me sewn back together, I started breastfeeding her and it seemed so easy and natural. Our beautiful baby girl is now getting ready to start school this September! She is the sweetest child and really does believe that she is a princess (like daddy always calls her).

When Princess was a toddler, we decided we were ready for another kid (deciding was a long process. Maybe I'll discuss that another time). Again we didn't seem to have any fertility problems. It only took about two months to conceive. This pregnancy was generally good, but had some more concerning times. At 13 weeks, I woke up one morning to find my legs and the bed covered in blood. While I panicked, my husband started calling the midwife, OBGYN, etc. The midwife basically said that I was miscarrying and that there was nothing they could do about it. No one would bring us in for a scan or to check. Finally he got ahold of our normal family doctor, who brought me in and found a heartbeat. Thankfully, I did not miscarry. It was probably breakthrough bleeding.

Once again, my due date came and went. They tried everything to get me to go into labour. Eventually it became obvious that nothing was going to get labour going, and I had to have another C-section. Even then our daughter didn't want to be born. They had to use forceps during the section! She was absolutely perfect though and fine and healthy.

Her daddy calls her angel (even though she's way more mischievous than her big sister), and now she's a toddler. There's about a two years' age difference between them, and it's a really nice gap. We've never had any real problems with jealousy or anything like that, and they adore each other.

Hello

2010-06-23T23:53:00.000-07:00

This is my first hello from Blogging With Bump. Nobody knows about this blog yet, so I'm just kind of sending my greetings and story into cyberspace. Hopefully somebody will hear it and be interested.

Just so that we don't start out under false pretences, I'll clarify a few things.

First off, despite the blog title, I don't have a bump...yet.

My husband and I are trying for a baby. I'm starting this blog now because when you're trying for a baby, it occupies a lot of your thought time, but you don't neccessarily want to talk about it all the time in your real life. So this is kind of a fertility blog that hopefully will progress into a pregnancy blog.

Secondly, no, I'm not using our real names. I am a real, normal person, and I'm only going to write the truth...but sometimes you don't want your mother-in-law or grandmother or random acquaintances from work or church reading all of the personal things that you have to say.

I've chosen the pseudonym Damara because it means fertile. I guess I'm just being hopeful.

So that's my hello. I hope it reaches you.
I'll get a real post up soon.