After the sun goes down...

During the day it is easier to get distracted.  Whether or not we always want it to, life goes on.  We still have to take care of the kids we have, take care of the house, pay the bills, etc.  The grief is still there, but you can move it to the background for awhile, let it simmer on the back burner while you go through the motions.

At night it demands your attention.  For the first week after it happened, I went to bed at night and the tears just came.  My husband just put his arms around me and held me while I sobbed for hours at a time.  He usually ended up crying with me.

Weeping should be listed as one of the side effects of an ectopic pregnancy.

Loss

Only a few weeks ago, I told my husband that the only thing that I was really afraid of was something happening to him or any of our kids (including the one not born yet).  I can't say that I really faced that fear, but because of my pregnancy being ectopic pregnancy I have been forced to live through it.

Unless you have had this experience, you can not imagine how heart-wrenching the loss is.  You walk into the surgery pregnant, and you walk out empty with a huge gaping aching spot instead.  It's not a hole, because a hole is passive.  It's more of a black hole that threatens to suck everything into its grief.

If we hadn't already have had two kids, I don't know how I would have made it through.  My daughters were my reason for trying to hold it together.  This baby, this tiny baby who will never be born now, was already a part of our family.  My husband packed away the baby things that had already started accumulating so that I wouldn't have to see them.  I packed away the maternity clothes calmly, then burst into tears.

I need to go now, but I'll write more about this later.