It's been awhile...

I realized that it's been awhile since I blogged on here.  I didn't really plan on giving it up or avoiding it, but as the days, then weeks, then months went by, it was just easier I guess.  There's so much on here, so much honesty in this blog and so many of my emotions, that sometimes it's hard to confront it.  I feel like I need time, solitude, and quiet in order to do this blog justice, and I don't often have any of those things. 

It's been over a year since my baby died.  I know there was no way to save them, but I still remember the feeling of walking into the operating room, walking in knowing that my tiny baby's heart was beating and they were alive and growing.  And I walked in and laid down on the table, and when I woke up there was just emptiness, emptiness around me and within me, and no baby anymore.  I know that, being an ectopic pregnancy, there was no way to help my baby.  They could never have made it long enough to have a chance at surviving, and if I hadn't have gone in for the surgery, I would have died too.  I know that.  Sometimes knowing and feeling aren't the closest friends, though.  It still hurts.  It still aches.

Even though I'll always notice that absence, I'm surrounded my so much life.  My oldest, Princess, is now in first grade.  She's learning to read and forming social circles and using slang and growing up so quickly.  Angel is a preschooler and is so vibrant.  She's so alive and excited about life that it changes the way the I view the world, just from being near her.  Little Boss is growing by the minute.  He's four months old and I already look at him and wonder what happened to my newborn.  He can roll himself over with ease now (and does constantly, even when strapped in a chair, in true Houdini type style).  He's not strong enough yet, but he desperately wants to crawl and has just learned to lift up his bottom and stomach.  He smiles and laughs and clings onto my finger with his little hands.  He opens his mouth when you ask for a kiss and slobbers all over your cheek.

I am amazed by life. 

Breastfeeding

There seem to be debates all over the place about breast versus bottle feeding.  I've seen mothers who proclaim "breast if best" as if it is a battle cry rather than a way to care for your children.  The new thing seems to be the term "full term" breastfeeding, which--as far as I've been exposed to it--seems to imply that you're cheating your child if you don't breastfeed them for two whole years. 

Likewise there are those who don't want to be judged for not breastfeeding.  Some people medically can't (like an epileptic friend of mine who is not allowed to breastfeed her baby because of her medications), some people have other reasons for not breastfeeding.  The two groups seem to clash a lot on parenting forums, etc.

I don't want to make this all political or start a fight.  I just feel like a should post about feeding my baby.

Little Boss is still completely breastfed.  Both of his big sisters were exclusively breastfed until six months (Angel did start getting some bottles of expressed milk at around five months).  I plan on exclusively breastfeeding Little Boss until he's six months and can start a few solids.  After that, we'll see what happens. 

I believe in baby-led weaning, meaning that he'll slowly stop breastfeeding as he loses interest in it.  Princess completely stopped breastfeeding around her first birthday.  She went down to just a feed before bed at night, and the nights she fed became more and more infrequent until she stopped.  Angel stopped when she was seven months.  Once she started having bottles and sippy cups and real food, she lost interest in breastfeeding.

For me, breastfeeding has always been a very natural thing.  I fed my babies as soon as possible after they were born.  With Little Boss, I fed him in the private recovery room as soon after the section as I could trust myself to hold him.  He rooted around for a few minutes, bobbing his head around looking for milk.  His little newborn head looked so tiny next to my huge milk-filled breast.  There's no denying that, health wise, breastfeeding really is best for both of us.  It's also best psychologically for me.  It gives me a quiet time to cuddle him, to be forced to sit still and just enjoy holding my baby.  I find breastfeeding easy, and definitely less hassle than sterilizing bottles, making formula, etc. 

Little Hands

What is it about little baby hands? 

I love looking at my newborn's hands.  They are so small, but perfectly formed.  He has long fingers-just like his daddy's.  As he's still a newborn, he moves his hands around a lot without having real control over them.  Sometimes he'll punch himself in the eye and then glare at his hand as if to say "What did you do that for?".  To his sister Angel's delight, he wriggles sometimes so that it looks like he's waving at us.  The Little Boss also likes to grab onto my clothes when he's breastfeeding.

The one thing that he does have control over is holding hands.  He likes to hold hands...only he's so small that it's not really holding hands.  It takes his whole hand to hold on to one of my fingers.  In fact, when he was first born he gripped on to one of daddy's fingers and held on with surprising strength.  He likes to fall asleep in my lap or on my chest clinging on to one of my fingers.  I think it makes him feel secure being able to hold on to us.

Sinking In

Today is the first day of my last trimester!  Hard to believe isn't it?

As the birth of our new baby gets closer, I've been thinking more about preparing our kids.  Princess (our kindergartner) understands a lot more and can remember when Angel was born.  She likes to tell me all of the things that she will do to help once the baby is born (sing him songs, get diapers for me, etc.).

I'm more concerned, though, about Angel.  She's just two and although she knows there's a baby in my tummy, I've worried about her understanding that the baby will eventually come out and be part of our family.  We've tried to let her see and interact with other babies and talk to her about it.  We've read books about babies and pregnancy at the library, and the girls have a book about becoming a big sister. (She mostly likes that book because the big sister gets an ice cream in it.)

Lately, though, I think it's starting to sink in more.  She has a doll that she's been dragging around with her and taking care of.  She's been calling it by the name we're going to use for our baby boy (no, I'm not sharing it here now, although my daughters do know what their little brother's going to be called).  Today, though, she said that wasn't his name anymore, because he was a real baby and not a doll.

I think it's still going to be a big adjustment for her, but I'm feeling more hopeful that she's starting to understand what's coming.

4th of July BBQ

I've had a great Independence Day.  We went to a barbecue with some friends. The weather was perfect, and I love the nice smoky smell of barbecue.  It seems like we've been so busy lately and just working non-stop, so it was a welcome break to just lounge about for an afternoon eating and chatting with friends.  Our kids had a great time with all of the other children there running around, playing games, and stealing sausages as quickly as they came off the BBQ.   Happy 4th of July everybody.

Some of our friends were there with their toddler and newborn baby.  She just slept peacefully in her dad's lap, and then woke up and wriggled happily on the picnic blanket.  Everyone there couldn't help but coo over her.  My husband looked at her and noted how beautiful and tiny she was.  "I want one", he summed up.   Nice to know that I'm not the only one who's broody.

Now I just need some fireworks to finish off a great 4th.

(Fireworks image borrowed from Blah-g.  Thanks.  My fireworks definitely won't be this impressive.)