The Snip

We'd always said that when we were done having kids, my husband would go in for the snip.  I'm not sure who's idea it was first or when it first came up.  It just kind of made sense between us.  After Little Boss was born, hubby started looking up more information about vasectomies, and we decided for sure.

It took me awhile to accept that we're done.  We always said that we wanted at least three kids, but no more than five.  We have three beautiful healthy children, and we remember the one we don't have with us.  Being told  by medical professionals and experts that we shouldn't have more kids (due to my extensive scar tissue, high risk of another ectopic pregnancy, etc.) and deciding it on our own is different though.  After a lot of discussion and thought and meditation and prayer and time with my family, I feel good about it.  We're done.  Our family is complete.

So he went in for the snip.  He was remarkably calm about the whole thing and seemed to take it pretty well in stride.  Now we just have to wait for the tests to make sure that it took.

It is a little bittersweet, and it's weird to think that we can't have kids anymore.  I'll never take another pregnancy test or scrutinize the screen at the ultrasound to find out what we're having or hold our newborn baby with their special newborn baby smell.  On the other hand, I'm really excited not to have to worry about contraception anymore, and to know.  We're finished having kids.

In the time that we've been  married, I've spent most of it either pregnant or breastfeeding.  It will be a change, but a good one.  Our family's moving on.

Five Month Old Update

Little Boss's favorite cuddly toy.  His favorite toys are all Eeyore (this one, a little Eeyore rattle, and a noisy one).

Little Boss is five months old!  He's growing like crazy and getting huge. Seriously. He wears a mix of 6-9 and even 9-12 month old clothes.  He's not fat, he's just big. He's so long that he doesn't fit the same way when I'm holding him anymore.  When I breastfeed he kicks his legs around by my side, and when he snuggles against my chest now he stretches out everywhere rather than resting in a tiny bundle against me.

He's adorable.

A Year Later

It's been a year now.  It's been a whole year since losing my baby in an ectopic pregnancy.

In some ways, it still seems so raw a wound.  I can think about him unexpectedly and get swaddled in grief for the baby that I didn't get to hold.  I can't help but wonder "what if" at times.  He'd be walking by now.  A year later and it's still hard.

At the same time, the past year has brought more joy than I ever could have anticipated.  I'm holding my beautiful healthy baby boy as I type, and now my family feels complete.  I've found peace and a certain level of acceptance if not understanding.

I have learned so much from each of my four children, including the one who's gone.  One of the things that he taught me is hope.

Breastfeeding

There seem to be debates all over the place about breast versus bottle feeding.  I've seen mothers who proclaim "breast if best" as if it is a battle cry rather than a way to care for your children.  The new thing seems to be the term "full term" breastfeeding, which--as far as I've been exposed to it--seems to imply that you're cheating your child if you don't breastfeed them for two whole years. 

Likewise there are those who don't want to be judged for not breastfeeding.  Some people medically can't (like an epileptic friend of mine who is not allowed to breastfeed her baby because of her medications), some people have other reasons for not breastfeeding.  The two groups seem to clash a lot on parenting forums, etc.

I don't want to make this all political or start a fight.  I just feel like a should post about feeding my baby.

Little Boss is still completely breastfed.  Both of his big sisters were exclusively breastfed until six months (Angel did start getting some bottles of expressed milk at around five months).  I plan on exclusively breastfeeding Little Boss until he's six months and can start a few solids.  After that, we'll see what happens. 

I believe in baby-led weaning, meaning that he'll slowly stop breastfeeding as he loses interest in it.  Princess completely stopped breastfeeding around her first birthday.  She went down to just a feed before bed at night, and the nights she fed became more and more infrequent until she stopped.  Angel stopped when she was seven months.  Once she started having bottles and sippy cups and real food, she lost interest in breastfeeding.

For me, breastfeeding has always been a very natural thing.  I fed my babies as soon as possible after they were born.  With Little Boss, I fed him in the private recovery room as soon after the section as I could trust myself to hold him.  He rooted around for a few minutes, bobbing his head around looking for milk.  His little newborn head looked so tiny next to my huge milk-filled breast.  There's no denying that, health wise, breastfeeding really is best for both of us.  It's also best psychologically for me.  It gives me a quiet time to cuddle him, to be forced to sit still and just enjoy holding my baby.  I find breastfeeding easy, and definitely less hassle than sterilizing bottles, making formula, etc. 

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know new parents are supposed to be sleep deprived zombies.  People with little babies are supposed to complain about how tired they are and be in a twilight zone of night-time feeds and diaper changes.

The thing is...I'm not.

I can remember being exhausted at times when Princess and Angel were babies.  I know that times will come when Little Boss will keep me up all night (we still have teething to look forward to, after all).  Right now, though, I'm pretty spoiled.  Little Boss is a star sleeper.

He's two months old now.  For awhile now we've had a pretty good routine where he'd go to sleep between 9 and 10.  At midnight (about the time I've been going to sleep) I give him a feed.  Then he sleeps until 5 am.  At that point he gets another drink of milk and then goes back to sleep for another couple of hours before waking up for the day.

Last night he dropped the 5:00 feed.  My two-month-old slept for seven straight hours through the night.  I fed him at 7:00, then he went back to sleep until about 9:00.

I'm the luckiest parent alive right now.

In addition to luck, I'm a firm believer in bedtime routines and cluster feeding before bed.

The Birth!

I just spent about an hour writing up a lovely blog post with the whole birth story.  Then I hit the publish button and the whole thing inexplicably disappeared.  So now don't have the time or the inclination to rewrite the whole thing,

I'll just sum up the major points.

It was a planned c-section with a spinal block.  It wasn't planned for the doctors to still have to use forceps.  (Luckily there was only a small red mark on one side of his head and it faded quickly.)

My husband got to cut the cord.  Then they laid our little boy across my chest.  He cried and wriggled and gurgled.  I got to enjoy skin on skin contact with him.  My husband put out a hand to help steady him, and he immediately grabbed on to one of daddy's fingers.  He kept holding on until he had to be moved.

The little boss was covered in blood and vernix, and absolutely perfect.  After years of waiting, I was thrilled to finally meet our little boy.

He's Here!

I am happy to announce that our little boy finally arrived!  The little boss was born recently (I'll do some separate posts about the birth soon).  He's healthy and happy, and I'm recovering surprisingly well.  To sum up...he's perfect.

I'm sorry that you don't get a peek at his handsome face, but here's a peek at lovely baby hands & feet.  I just love his long toes and fingers.  Angel keeps picking up his hands & feet making comments like, "He has hands! I'm holding his hand!" and "He has lots of toes!".