It's been awhile...

I realized that it's been awhile since I blogged on here.  I didn't really plan on giving it up or avoiding it, but as the days, then weeks, then months went by, it was just easier I guess.  There's so much on here, so much honesty in this blog and so many of my emotions, that sometimes it's hard to confront it.  I feel like I need time, solitude, and quiet in order to do this blog justice, and I don't often have any of those things. 

It's been over a year since my baby died.  I know there was no way to save them, but I still remember the feeling of walking into the operating room, walking in knowing that my tiny baby's heart was beating and they were alive and growing.  And I walked in and laid down on the table, and when I woke up there was just emptiness, emptiness around me and within me, and no baby anymore.  I know that, being an ectopic pregnancy, there was no way to help my baby.  They could never have made it long enough to have a chance at surviving, and if I hadn't have gone in for the surgery, I would have died too.  I know that.  Sometimes knowing and feeling aren't the closest friends, though.  It still hurts.  It still aches.

Even though I'll always notice that absence, I'm surrounded my so much life.  My oldest, Princess, is now in first grade.  She's learning to read and forming social circles and using slang and growing up so quickly.  Angel is a preschooler and is so vibrant.  She's so alive and excited about life that it changes the way the I view the world, just from being near her.  Little Boss is growing by the minute.  He's four months old and I already look at him and wonder what happened to my newborn.  He can roll himself over with ease now (and does constantly, even when strapped in a chair, in true Houdini type style).  He's not strong enough yet, but he desperately wants to crawl and has just learned to lift up his bottom and stomach.  He smiles and laughs and clings onto my finger with his little hands.  He opens his mouth when you ask for a kiss and slobbers all over your cheek.

I am amazed by life. 

Just checking

I haven't had a period for well over a year...coming up on a year and a half even.  I was pregnant, experienced tragedy through an ectopic pregnancy, got pregnant again before restarting my period, and then had a beautiful baby boy.  In the past my cycle has always been really regular and started back up really quickly (sometimes too quickly).  Now my baby's several months old.  I feel pretty much back to normal, even if some of my clothes are tighter than I'd like.  But (and this is a big but) I still haven't started my period again.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not enjoying the break from it and everything.  As the weeks and then months went by, though, it started to make me wonder.  I didn't think I was, but just wanted to be sure.

My fantastic other half bought a pregnancy test on the way home from work one day.  He gave it to me and said something to the effect of, "If it's positive, I'll be surprised and a little scared, but really happy.  If it's negative, I'll be relieved to know and happy.  I bought this (holding up a bottle of non-alcoholic sparkly drink) so we can celebrate either way."

I did the pee on the stick routine, waited for an impossibly long three minutes, and got the results.

I'm not pregnant.

A Year Later

It's been a year now.  It's been a whole year since losing my baby in an ectopic pregnancy.

In some ways, it still seems so raw a wound.  I can think about him unexpectedly and get swaddled in grief for the baby that I didn't get to hold.  I can't help but wonder "what if" at times.  He'd be walking by now.  A year later and it's still hard.

At the same time, the past year has brought more joy than I ever could have anticipated.  I'm holding my beautiful healthy baby boy as I type, and now my family feels complete.  I've found peace and a certain level of acceptance if not understanding.

I have learned so much from each of my four children, including the one who's gone.  One of the things that he taught me is hope.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know new parents are supposed to be sleep deprived zombies.  People with little babies are supposed to complain about how tired they are and be in a twilight zone of night-time feeds and diaper changes.

The thing is...I'm not.

I can remember being exhausted at times when Princess and Angel were babies.  I know that times will come when Little Boss will keep me up all night (we still have teething to look forward to, after all).  Right now, though, I'm pretty spoiled.  Little Boss is a star sleeper.

He's two months old now.  For awhile now we've had a pretty good routine where he'd go to sleep between 9 and 10.  At midnight (about the time I've been going to sleep) I give him a feed.  Then he sleeps until 5 am.  At that point he gets another drink of milk and then goes back to sleep for another couple of hours before waking up for the day.

Last night he dropped the 5:00 feed.  My two-month-old slept for seven straight hours through the night.  I fed him at 7:00, then he went back to sleep until about 9:00.

I'm the luckiest parent alive right now.

In addition to luck, I'm a firm believer in bedtime routines and cluster feeding before bed.

Pre-birth/At the Hospital

After a lot of waiting and intermittent blogging, the big day finally came.  I said in my last post that he was born, but didn't really give any details.  So here's my birth post.  It's a bit belated as I've been enjoying time with my newborn while trying not to neglect the rest of the family.

As it was a booked c--section, we knew when the birth was going to be way in advance.  The night before going in to the hospital I took my first batch of medications and started fasting.  The morning of the birth I took my next batch before going in.  (For planned c-sections they give you things like ant-nausea med's to take in advance.  The medications should help you to be more comfortable and also help to avoid complications.) 

First thing in the morning we dropped off the girls to be watched for the day for us and then went and checked in to the maternity ward at the hospital.  I had to fill in standard hospital admission forms which was entertaining as the nurse had to ask me questions like, "Is there any chance you could be pregnant?" and whether I was wearing a hair piece or dentures.   Then we went through the paperwork for the c-section. 

My husband and I were shown to a hospital bed in one of the wards to wait while I was prepped for surgery and we waited for our turn in the operating room/theatre.  It was all very relaxed, and they took their time talking to us and getting things ready.  It was so different from my previous experiences being rushed in for emergency surgery.

Some of the things that took place during this time:

-The anesthesiologist came to discuss the spinal with me and have me sign more consent forms.

-I changed into a very stylish hospital gown.  And by very stylish I mean flapping open under the ties and printed in an orange and brown pattern.  Weirdly it had labels on it telling you that it was for hospital use only, not to be removed from the hospital, etc.  If anyone has other uses for them or wants to steal them I really don't think I want to know about it.  Also my husband had to go wash his hands, etc. and change into scrubs (including hat and slippers).

-My blood pressure, temperature, etc. were checked.  They also listened to the baby's heartbeat.

-My husband and I played several rounds of backgammon on his phone.  I don't remember who won.

-They put tape over my wedding ring and made sure that I wasn't wearing any other jewelry.

Then it was our turn.  The nurse led us down to the c-section birth room.  I got to walk there.

He's Here!

I am happy to announce that our little boy finally arrived!  The little boss was born recently (I'll do some separate posts about the birth soon).  He's healthy and happy, and I'm recovering surprisingly well.  To sum up...he's perfect.

I'm sorry that you don't get a peek at his handsome face, but here's a peek at lovely baby hands & feet.  I just love his long toes and fingers.  Angel keeps picking up his hands & feet making comments like, "He has hands! I'm holding his hand!" and "He has lots of toes!".

Preparing for the Birth

I had the best plans for being totally prepared in advance for my baby to be born.  I was going to have loads of home cooked meals stored in the fridge and freezer, an immaculate house, good hair, etc.  In short, everything was going to be perfect and ready before he was born.  Obviously this is real life (my real life to be more specific) and not a TV movie, so everything isn't as pristine as I had hoped for. 

However, we are ready.  I'm ready to meet my little boy.

Knowing that I'm booked in for an elective Cesarean makes preparing for the birth a little different from preparing for a "normal" delivery. 

Most pregnancy books/websites/etc. will give you helpful lists of what to pack in your hospital bags.  In my experience, all of these are focused on what women need during labor, and they're totally unhelpful if you're having a c-section.  I packed two hospital bags: one for me & one for baby.  It was actually exciting to pack them together with my husband.  Mostly we used common, sense on what to pack, but we did look up a couple of lists to make sure we weren't forgetting anything.  (Click here or here for sample hospital bag lists specifically for Cesarean births.)  As this is my 3rd section, I knew from experience to pack snacks (for both parents) and to pack normal (preferably black and baggy) not disposable maternity underwear (these tend to hit right on a c-section scar line).

There are some preparations we're being sure to do, like having my husband help me shave (way better than having a stranger dry shave you on a hospital bed).  Also trying to eat well (or at least healthy other than the tub of Ben & Jerry's we treated ourselves to) and get some rest.

Here are some resources I found on-line on preparing for a C-section:
"Preparing for a C-Section"
"A Step-by-step Guide to Preparing for Your C-Section"
"Preparing Yourself For a C-section Delivery"

Full Term & Things to Remember

Here's me full term.  Yes, I'm huge.  Yes, I'm counting down the days.

As my pregnancy days are numbered, here are some things that I want to remember about this pregnancy.

-This baby loves the sound of his daddy's voice.  He always responds perfectly on cue when my hubby talks to him.  He can be quiet all day and then start wriggling around in excitement when daddy gets home and starts talking to me.  (My husband jokes that this is probably the only time in his life when he'll listen to his dad this well, but I know it makes him happy.)

-In general I'm not overly affected by serious or weird food cravings.  At various points during this pregnancy, though, I have eaten huge amounts of fresh lychees, apple flavored rice cakes, and peanut m&m's. 

-Yes, soon I will have three kids fighting for my time and attention.  Ever since we told them, though, our girls have been very excited to have a baby in the family.  They talk a lot about the baby and what it will be like after he's born (usually including nice things they can do for him, like let him play the prince in their games or sing to him).

-This is probably the last time I'll be pregnant.  I want to remember the miracle of feeling them kick (it sounds cheesy but it is a miracle), seeing them in ultrasounds, hearing their heartbeat, etc.  I'm impatient to meet and hold him, but I know that right now is the closest that the two of us will ever be.

-Sensitive skin galore, but no new stretch marks (hurray!)