Friday, 19 August 2011

Just checking

I haven't had a period for well over a year...coming up on a year and a half even.  I was pregnant, experienced tragedy through an ectopic pregnancy, got pregnant again before restarting my period, and then had a beautiful baby boy.  In the past my cycle has always been really regular and started back up really quickly (sometimes too quickly).  Now my baby's several months old.  I feel pretty much back to normal, even if some of my clothes are tighter than I'd like.  But (and this is a big but) I still haven't started my period again.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not enjoying the break from it and everything.  As the weeks and then months went by, though, it started to make me wonder.  I didn't think I was, but just wanted to be sure.

My fantastic other half bought a pregnancy test on the way home from work one day.  He gave it to me and said something to the effect of, "If it's positive, I'll be surprised and a little scared, but really happy.  If it's negative, I'll be relieved to know and happy.  I bought this (holding up a bottle of non-alcoholic sparkly drink) so we can celebrate either way."

I did the pee on the stick routine, waited for an impossibly long three minutes, and got the results.

I'm not pregnant.

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

A Year Later

It's been a year now.  It's been a whole year since losing my baby in an ectopic pregnancy.

In some ways, it still seems so raw a wound.  I can think about him unexpectedly and get swaddled in grief for the baby that I didn't get to hold.  I can't help but wonder "what if" at times.  He'd be walking by now.  A year later and it's still hard.

At the same time, the past year has brought more joy than I ever could have anticipated.  I'm holding my beautiful healthy baby boy as I type, and now my family feels complete.  I've found peace and a certain level of acceptance if not understanding.

I have learned so much from each of my four children, including the one who's gone.  One of the things that he taught me is hope.