Friday, 16 September 2011

It's been awhile...

I realized that it's been awhile since I blogged on here.  I didn't really plan on giving it up or avoiding it, but as the days, then weeks, then months went by, it was just easier I guess.  There's so much on here, so much honesty in this blog and so many of my emotions, that sometimes it's hard to confront it.  I feel like I need time, solitude, and quiet in order to do this blog justice, and I don't often have any of those things. 

It's been over a year since my baby died.  I know there was no way to save them, but I still remember the feeling of walking into the operating room, walking in knowing that my tiny baby's heart was beating and they were alive and growing.  And I walked in and laid down on the table, and when I woke up there was just emptiness, emptiness around me and within me, and no baby anymore.  I know that, being an ectopic pregnancy, there was no way to help my baby.  They could never have made it long enough to have a chance at surviving, and if I hadn't have gone in for the surgery, I would have died too.  I know that.  Sometimes knowing and feeling aren't the closest friends, though.  It still hurts.  It still aches.

Even though I'll always notice that absence, I'm surrounded my so much life.  My oldest, Princess, is now in first grade.  She's learning to read and forming social circles and using slang and growing up so quickly.  Angel is a preschooler and is so vibrant.  She's so alive and excited about life that it changes the way the I view the world, just from being near her.  Little Boss is growing by the minute.  He's four months old and I already look at him and wonder what happened to my newborn.  He can roll himself over with ease now (and does constantly, even when strapped in a chair, in true Houdini type style).  He's not strong enough yet, but he desperately wants to crawl and has just learned to lift up his bottom and stomach.  He smiles and laughs and clings onto my finger with his little hands.  He opens his mouth when you ask for a kiss and slobbers all over your cheek.

I am amazed by life. 

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