And suddenly summer

I feel like it was just Christmas...and suddenly it's summer and I have a toddler instead of a baby.

Little boss is now a confidently walking one-year-old. We discovered two new teeth in his mouth today, bringing the total to 5 on the top and 3 on the bottom. He is very good at using these teeth to eat all types of grown up foods (he particularly likes beans). He also uses them to gnaw on just about anything else he can get his hands on.

Little boss also had his first swim lesson today! It was a group baby/toddler class. It's an outdoor pool so he was shivering by the end of it. Other than being cold he enjoyed it. We sang cheesy songs and bounced up and down in the pool and chased rubber ducks and all those baby swim class standards.

Apparently I missed the memo though. I showed up with no makeup, my swimsuit, and junky flip flops. The other adults showed up in glamour mode and the teacher spent as much time taking pictures (or telling her assistant when to take pictures) as teaching the kids to swim. I felt like a paparazzi chased celeb who couldn't take her kid to the pool without unflattering photos circulating gossip mag's. I think I let the yummy mug club down, but little boss and I had fun anyway.

Welcome to summer.

So it's been awhile...

2011 was a crazy year from beginning to end.  Little Boss was born; Angel started preschool; life generally changed, as it has a tendency to do.  The end of the year only got even more insane.  We knew there was the possibility of an upcoming work related move, and then it happened much more quickly than we expected.  So I disappeared from the blogosphere for awhile.

Things are still hectic and stressful and busy and exhausting and wonderful.  This is life.  I can't wait for life to happen or think that I'll enjoy things when... If I do that, I'll miss it.  This is life.  This is my kids' childhood.  I already can't believe how big they're all getting.  Princess can read.  Angel is starting to learn letters and numbers.  Little Boss is not only starting to use words, but starting to put them together.

This is my life.  I spend most of it rushed off my feet and sleep deprived and underpaid, but you know what?  I look at my family, and life is good.

The Snip

We'd always said that when we were done having kids, my husband would go in for the snip.  I'm not sure who's idea it was first or when it first came up.  It just kind of made sense between us.  After Little Boss was born, hubby started looking up more information about vasectomies, and we decided for sure.

It took me awhile to accept that we're done.  We always said that we wanted at least three kids, but no more than five.  We have three beautiful healthy children, and we remember the one we don't have with us.  Being told  by medical professionals and experts that we shouldn't have more kids (due to my extensive scar tissue, high risk of another ectopic pregnancy, etc.) and deciding it on our own is different though.  After a lot of discussion and thought and meditation and prayer and time with my family, I feel good about it.  We're done.  Our family is complete.

So he went in for the snip.  He was remarkably calm about the whole thing and seemed to take it pretty well in stride.  Now we just have to wait for the tests to make sure that it took.

It is a little bittersweet, and it's weird to think that we can't have kids anymore.  I'll never take another pregnancy test or scrutinize the screen at the ultrasound to find out what we're having or hold our newborn baby with their special newborn baby smell.  On the other hand, I'm really excited not to have to worry about contraception anymore, and to know.  We're finished having kids.

In the time that we've been  married, I've spent most of it either pregnant or breastfeeding.  It will be a change, but a good one.  Our family's moving on.

Five Month Old Update

Little Boss's favorite cuddly toy.  His favorite toys are all Eeyore (this one, a little Eeyore rattle, and a noisy one).

Little Boss is five months old!  He's growing like crazy and getting huge. Seriously. He wears a mix of 6-9 and even 9-12 month old clothes.  He's not fat, he's just big. He's so long that he doesn't fit the same way when I'm holding him anymore.  When I breastfeed he kicks his legs around by my side, and when he snuggles against my chest now he stretches out everywhere rather than resting in a tiny bundle against me.

He's adorable.

It's been awhile...

I realized that it's been awhile since I blogged on here.  I didn't really plan on giving it up or avoiding it, but as the days, then weeks, then months went by, it was just easier I guess.  There's so much on here, so much honesty in this blog and so many of my emotions, that sometimes it's hard to confront it.  I feel like I need time, solitude, and quiet in order to do this blog justice, and I don't often have any of those things. 

It's been over a year since my baby died.  I know there was no way to save them, but I still remember the feeling of walking into the operating room, walking in knowing that my tiny baby's heart was beating and they were alive and growing.  And I walked in and laid down on the table, and when I woke up there was just emptiness, emptiness around me and within me, and no baby anymore.  I know that, being an ectopic pregnancy, there was no way to help my baby.  They could never have made it long enough to have a chance at surviving, and if I hadn't have gone in for the surgery, I would have died too.  I know that.  Sometimes knowing and feeling aren't the closest friends, though.  It still hurts.  It still aches.

Even though I'll always notice that absence, I'm surrounded my so much life.  My oldest, Princess, is now in first grade.  She's learning to read and forming social circles and using slang and growing up so quickly.  Angel is a preschooler and is so vibrant.  She's so alive and excited about life that it changes the way the I view the world, just from being near her.  Little Boss is growing by the minute.  He's four months old and I already look at him and wonder what happened to my newborn.  He can roll himself over with ease now (and does constantly, even when strapped in a chair, in true Houdini type style).  He's not strong enough yet, but he desperately wants to crawl and has just learned to lift up his bottom and stomach.  He smiles and laughs and clings onto my finger with his little hands.  He opens his mouth when you ask for a kiss and slobbers all over your cheek.

I am amazed by life. 

Just checking

I haven't had a period for well over a year...coming up on a year and a half even.  I was pregnant, experienced tragedy through an ectopic pregnancy, got pregnant again before restarting my period, and then had a beautiful baby boy.  In the past my cycle has always been really regular and started back up really quickly (sometimes too quickly).  Now my baby's several months old.  I feel pretty much back to normal, even if some of my clothes are tighter than I'd like.  But (and this is a big but) I still haven't started my period again.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not enjoying the break from it and everything.  As the weeks and then months went by, though, it started to make me wonder.  I didn't think I was, but just wanted to be sure.

My fantastic other half bought a pregnancy test on the way home from work one day.  He gave it to me and said something to the effect of, "If it's positive, I'll be surprised and a little scared, but really happy.  If it's negative, I'll be relieved to know and happy.  I bought this (holding up a bottle of non-alcoholic sparkly drink) so we can celebrate either way."

I did the pee on the stick routine, waited for an impossibly long three minutes, and got the results.

I'm not pregnant.

A Year Later

It's been a year now.  It's been a whole year since losing my baby in an ectopic pregnancy.

In some ways, it still seems so raw a wound.  I can think about him unexpectedly and get swaddled in grief for the baby that I didn't get to hold.  I can't help but wonder "what if" at times.  He'd be walking by now.  A year later and it's still hard.

At the same time, the past year has brought more joy than I ever could have anticipated.  I'm holding my beautiful healthy baby boy as I type, and now my family feels complete.  I've found peace and a certain level of acceptance if not understanding.

I have learned so much from each of my four children, including the one who's gone.  One of the things that he taught me is hope.