Monday, 16 August 2010


Only a few weeks ago, I told my husband that the only thing that I was really afraid of was something happening to him or any of our kids (including the one not born yet).  I can't say that I really faced that fear, but because of my pregnancy being ectopic pregnancy I have been forced to live through it.

Unless you have had this experience, you can not imagine how heart-wrenching the loss is.  You walk into the surgery pregnant, and you walk out empty with a huge gaping aching spot instead.  It's not a hole, because a hole is passive.  It's more of a black hole that threatens to suck everything into its grief.

If we hadn't already have had two kids, I don't know how I would have made it through.  My daughters were my reason for trying to hold it together.  This baby, this tiny baby who will never be born now, was already a part of our family.  My husband packed away the baby things that had already started accumulating so that I wouldn't have to see them.  I packed away the maternity clothes calmly, then burst into tears.

I need to go now, but I'll write more about this later.

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