Only a few weeks ago, I told my husband that the only thing that I was really afraid of was something happening to him or any of our kids (including the one not born yet). I can't say that I really faced that fear, but because of my pregnancy being ectopic pregnancy I have been forced to live through it.
Unless you have had this experience, you can not imagine how heart-wrenching the loss is. You walk into the surgery pregnant, and you walk out empty with a huge gaping aching spot instead. It's not a hole, because a hole is passive. It's more of a black hole that threatens to suck everything into its grief.
If we hadn't already have had two kids, I don't know how I would have made it through. My daughters were my reason for trying to hold it together. This baby, this tiny baby who will never be born now, was already a part of our family. My husband packed away the baby things that had already started accumulating so that I wouldn't have to see them. I packed away the maternity clothes calmly, then burst into tears.
I need to go now, but I'll write more about this later.